I spent a good part of my day yesterday making chocolates. Now before you judge, it just happens to be something that I do that relaxes me. I don’t eat all (or even that many) of them, and I don’t have a girlfriend who I’m trying to fatten up. I just make candy to make it and give to people. And yes, you can see a picture of the peanut butter truffle bars, piña colada macadamia mounds and blueberry jellies that I assembled with my own two hands by clicking here (I’m really bad at making food porn; sorry).
The reason that I tell you this is because it is one of several hobbies and character traits that put me in a relatively new category of men: the domesticated bachelor.
Born out of the ashes of the (regrettable) Metrosexual movement, a domesticated bachelor is a dude who seems like he’s in a relationship even though he isn’t – he cooks, cleans, can dress and groom himself in a socially presentable way, and is interested in activities usually reserved for couples (farmer’s markets, museums, brunch, etc). This sounds like it goes in direct opposition to the definition put forth on The Domesticated Bachelor, but the number of guys in this group are on the rise.
Sure, we occasionally like lounging around in sweatpants, but who doesn’t? Watching the game with friends is not mutually exclusive to having a beer gut or slopping around in old and ragged clothes. We know how to cook more than just barbeque. We can sort-of distinguish between wines. Heck, you might see us unironically attending cooking classes.
The Domesticated Bachelor seems to be the male response to the hookup culture – a man developing the self-sufficient techniques and capabilities that used to be obtained through being in a relationship. A domesticated bachelor has adapted all of the necessary skills and traits of a man who is in a relationship, only without having a girlfriend. As a result, there can be a bit of a perception versus reality gap that occurs when we actually DO get ourselves involved romantically.
As gender roles continue to redefine themselves and the very structure of relationships begins to change, men and women find themselves becoming parts of new groups. The Domesticated Bachelor is but one of the first.
So your post reminds me of being out on my birthday and trying to explain why dating in MN is so hard: I’m not sure which side these guys play for! There are the metrosexuals, yes, but perhaps the confusion comes from these Domesticated Bachelors…hmmm. Like the guy who LOVED yoga and was obsessed with his cat. When he asked me out, I was completely confused. I had filed him in my gay files. Now, I don’t know about you, but if you can still fill the Manly Man shoes AND be domesticated, then I guess that’s a good combination. I fully admit that the guys who can’t mow the lawn, change a tire, or lift semi-heavy objects aren’t really in my sights. I still expect some traditional attributes of men. I’m going to be interested to continue to see how roles play out.
I like a good brunch and a museum now and again (Haven’t tried making chocolates, though). I think it’s just our generation growing up a bit.
Also, we, as men, should develop self-sufficiency in general by default. Women shouldn’t have to teach you through relationships. Guide and advise YES. But things like cooking, cleaning, dressing, and SOME culture, a guy should have a decent handle on (depending on their age of course).
Broadly though I get your point. I definitely have one foot in this category (mid-level).
I think the domesticated bachelor is a wonderful thing! Those skills and interests are things that will make future girlfriends/fiances/wives VERY happy, in addition to the fact that they make you a very well-rounded person. I wish my boyfriend was more domesticated. I’m working on it, but it’s a long process. Great post! I’m so glad I found your blog!
When my youngest brother referred to himself as a metrosexual, I gagged a little, but decided not to oppress him. Much. Being a Domesticated Bachelor is much better. I really like your description & it actually meshes quite a bit with my own. Thanks so much for the shout out! Way to go with the chocolate & cooking.
Thanks for the comments everyone!
Emily – I can only speak for myself and the others that I know in this group, but the characteristics of the Domesticated Bachelor are added on to earlier habits, practices and tendencies. So a DB could change a tire, operate a chainsaw and open jars while still going to yoga.
AJ – I definitely agree! I’ve noticed that there seems to be a trend towards self-sufficiency increasing among both genders, where the old relationship “roles” are no longer in effect.
Sam – It’ll be interesting to see how the skills and interests play out in long term relationships. I mentioned the concept to a friend, and she said that a guy being a DM “takes all the fun out of fixing him.”
Jonathan – The whole “Metrosexual” movement seemed to be a gross overcompensation that happened on the way to Domesticated Bachelorhood. A lot of those guys never seemed that comfortable with themselves.