Needle, Meet Haystack

My parents have owned their house for over fifteen years, yet every once in a while, we’ll get a call for some woman named Amanda M____, who seems to enjoy giving guys my parents’ number as her own personal rejection hotline.  And while I can safely say that none of us have ever met Amanda, she’s provided us with some interesting stories.

• One guy called six times in one day, refusing to believe that Amanda had given him a fake number, thinking I was her brother or a jealous boyfriend.  He finally quit when I farted into the receiver.
• Another guy kept asking for her, so my dad said he would get her.  He then proceeded to lower his voice to a James Earl Jones- or Barry White-level and said, “This is Amanda.”
• One particular caller began monologuing about his feelings for her, and wouldn’t let me get a word in.  I set the phone down and walked away.  When I checked on it five minutes later, he was still talking.  Had I not hung up, he might still be talking today.

While it’s funny to consider the experience of dealing with Amanda’s suitors, it also brings to mind a fairly common problem that many of us have: the blinders of romanticism.

When we’re starting out on a new path, be it a relationship, career opportunity, geographic move, or hobby, even the most pessimistic of us will spend some time thinking about the best-case scenario.  Some people (myself included) will devote quite a bit of mental real estate to thinking about what might happen and how things could turn out.

Although it’s perfectly normal and healthy, the problem with romanticizing things is that those who do it wind up wasting a lot of time and ultimately fall victim to weltschmerz, no matter how good the real-life results have become.  Heavy romantics always wind up disappointed, because the fantasy has overtaken reality too strongly.

And I think Amanda knows this, making her phone number trickery all the more devious.

The easiest fix would be to say “adjust your expectations,” but romanticizing is sometimes intrinsically tied to personalities or beliefs.  Instead, it might be better to say, “go out and do what you can to make the platonic ideal of your situation a reality.”  By making thought an actionable and tying the romantic into the actual results instead of leaving them to fantasize, they will usually become more pleased with the outcome.

Unless that outcome is calling a fake number and hearing some dude fart into the phone.

Due to some unforeseen circumstances, NSS is cancelled this week.  Reports indicate that the Twitter Fail Whale  may be involved, as an onlooker took this photograph shortly after the incident.

Police are currently investigating.  Detective NotAnActualPerson had this to say:

“We have no idea what’s going on, or if the whale is involved.  Maybe the guy just took a weekend off and decided to come up with a BS excuse and filler.  We’re looking at all the angles here.”

Neither Andrew nor the Fail Whale have issued statements at this time.

A while ago, I realized that while Needle, Meet Haystack may be my personal view on things, it isn’t the only view.  So every other Friday, you’ll be getting the chance to read some awesome guest posts from some truly excellent people – the Needle, Meet Haystack Guest Blogger Club.

Ashley Campbell blogs about careers, office politics, freelancing, generation gaps and more at Entry Level Observations.  Professionally, she pulls double-duty as a social media strategist and freelance PR maven.  In addition to contributing to the Great Idea Garage Sale with a piece on dealing with a job you hate.  In her post today, she tackles the concept of social media friendships in the age of the new social contract:

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I have a minor obsession with social media… That’s a good thing considering it’s quickly becoming my livelihood. I love social media for a lot of reasons: its power to transform a brand, the incredible ease at which information, advice and news is disseminated and, my personal favorite, the amazing connections one can make with people across the country and even across the world.

The relationships I’ve built over the past 7 months alone via social media are incredible. I’ve collaborated with a new friend in Australia, written guest posts for new friends in New York City, Oklahoma, next week California and of course right now I have the privilege of guest posting for the amazing and talented Mr. Andrew Weitsman in Arizona! I have made real friends who I talk with regularly online and I have even met and collaborated with people in my own city I would never have met otherwise. I basically have a brand new network of amazing people with whom I can share my life, bounce ideas off of, learn from and even get support from when I need it.

The crazy part about this is that besides the folks I’ve met in Kansas City through TweetUps and an incredible social media conference I attended a few months ago, I haven’t actually met anyone else in person. This brand new support system I’ve created is comprised mostly of people who I only know through their tweets, blog posts or instant messages and I think that’s way cool. Meanwhile, my mother, the lady who doesn’t trust the internet, is convinced these people want to cut my skin off and wear it like a suit…but I digress.

My point is that social media has the power to bring people together. Heck, if it weren’t for social media, I wouldn’t be friends with Andrew and this post wouldn’t even be happening! Some people (take ALL of my friends , for example) think social media means having a Facebook profile or that Twitter is lame because you just tell people what you’re doing all day long, but it’s so much more than that. Social media is about branding and sharing and learning and connecting!

I consider myself so very lucky to have met all of the amazing people I have in the past several months. My new network of online friends might be a tad unconventional, but I’ve never really been one for doing things by the book.

So this is my big “thank you for being a part of my life” to everyone I’ve never actually met in real life. You are fantastic and someday I think I’d like to party with you…

Are you a team player?

Do you support others?

Do you work well in groups?

Do you believe that the whole can be greater than the sum of its parts?

Well then, congratulations!  You’re about to lose at a little game called “getting ahead in life and business!”

Think about it: how many movies, TV shows, books and news stories drill into our heads the whole “one person can make a difference” message?  How many times do we focus on the star player on a sports team, or the lead singer in a band?  How often do we focus on a single figurehead, be it a CEO, President or Prime Minister?  We focus on breakout stars in movies.  Solo acts springing from bands.  Fan-favorite characters from ensembles.

People will always give more praise to one member than the group as a whole.

Sometimes it’s deserved, like when you’re pulling the weight of your entire team.  Or if one person is already a standout before they enter the group.  But regardless of the situation, the whole is not judged by the sum of its outputs, its parts, or even its strongest member: it is judged by its most interesting member.

Organizations don’t promote teams; they promote individuals.  Similarly, an entire team will not get fired at once (usually).  Though we may work in groups to do things better than we could solo, the actual effects of working with others are quite malleable.  For example, let’s take two of the greatest music acts of the 20th century: Elvis Presley and The Beatles.

Now, we could argue till the cows come home over who had the greater impact on pop culture, had better songs, and so on, but here’s what we’ll focus on: Elvis was one dude, while The Beatles were four.

Let’s assume that at the height of their respective popularities, Elvis and The Beatles each commanded a concert fee of around $100,000 per show.*  That means that Elvis made $100,000 per show, while each of the Fab Four made $25,000 per show.  Ah!  But what about the backup musicians, roadies and techs that Elvis used?  Consider that The Beatles had the roadies and techs, along with (possibly) some backup musicians.  And since Elvis was the marquee name, the people doing musical accompaniment made less than if they were in part of a band.  Elvis would never join The Beatles, since that would make him lose money.  But any of The Beatles would want to go solo, since that would help them to earn more.

So in short, it’s bad to be in a band if you’re a singer, but it’s great if you’re a drummer.

Teams will always work in the favor of the weakest link (and drummers are not the weakest link – as a drummer myself, I refute the notion of that idea); the other members will need to contribute more to bring the work to their usual level.  The higher-end achievers, meanwhile, suffer from working with others, as their own efforts are diminished by sharing in the accolades of others.

If you’re looking to stand out from others, working in a team is the worst way to do it: you have to share and contribute, compromise and reduce your overall contribution.  Working on a team means that you have less work that you need to do, but that also turns into less work that you’ll get credit for.  And ultimately, everyone on the team is working alone, anyway.

Teams will assign tasks to their different members, and although there will be some crossover in the final work, the plan is that everyone plays to their strengths.  And while working in a group can help to inspire or excite its members, it won’t do much to change their overall output.  So instead, contributions are limited so that even with a single output, group members can point to different parts of it and claim it as their own.

Working in a team is a difficult task, one that can ultimately offer little reward.  And although it can be a necessity at times, it’s better in the long run to shoot for being a solo act.

* Number made up by me for example purposes

We live in an age of TiVo, an age of Hulu, an age of DVD box sets, an age of Torrents and streaming sites.  You can watch almost any TV show and a whole lot of movies at any time you wish.  So with that being said, what’s the point of reruns on in prime time during the summer?

I understand the historical implications; reruns were first used so that the people who make the shows could have a break for vacation, family time, creative summits, movie-making, drinking heavily, whatever.  And with no way to record the shows themselves (this was before VCR, remember), viewers would tune in to see if it was an episode that they might have missed.  But now that people can pull up episodes of The Big Bang Theory whenever they darn well please, it doesn’t seem as important.

The networks have noticed this, too.  New shows that might not have gone through as new fall or spring series are given a chance in the hottest months.  Cancelled series have their final episodes burned off, a treat for devoted fans of brilliant but axed series like Kings or Better Off Ted.  The summer is no longer a season of pure repetition; it’s now a season of second-stringers and send-offs.

So reruns, which were once almost indispensable in catching up fans who might have missed an episode, are now more space filler than anything else.  And given reality TV’s low costs, the back-burner bits of cancelled shows, new summer series, and the relatively easy set-up for a “news special,” paying for syndicated content seems like it might almost cost more, with lower returns.

In life, we claim that there are things that we need, and in work, there are people who are called essential.  But much like reruns, their utility might be more situational and conditional than concrete.  And many things which were once crucial to us have found that innovation and updating to stay current wind up diminishing their use and range of influence.

The sad truth is, almost anything can be replaced.  New materials can be used.  New software can be coded.  Other people can be trained.  A machine itself can be gutted and have completely new parts put in and will still run about the same, if not better.  In fact, that might be the underlying message of a popular MTV show of yesteryear.  Which is now in reruns.

Now, there is a way for someone to become a true linchpin, but it involves balancing operational utility with social utility.  Being a good, productive worker who delivers results can only go so far; one must be personable and interesting, too.  By maintaining good social connections, a positive reputation, and creating strong interpersonal networks, one can use nepotism as a tool to help ensure continued employment, contracts or friendship.

Unfortunately, TV shows can’t really talk to us (yet), so a rerun can’t remind you that maybe you missed the first three minutes of it when it premiered due to a longer than expected snack break.  Or that it’s got a really good joke in it that you forgot and might want to tell at the office tomorrow.  But it’s okay; that’s what a DVR is for.

“About a month ago, I got a cactus, and a week later, it died. I got really depressed because I was like, damn, I am less nurturing than a desert.” -Demetri Martin

On the list of things that I don’t do very well, gardening and plant care is pretty high up there.  I’m fine with animals (kept a goldfish I won at a carnival alive for over three years, plus my dog is in great health despite being the dog-years equivalent of Betty White’s older sister), but I just fail with plants.

I’ve tried everything from herbs (basil and thyme) to fruit (strawberries and oranges) to generic plants (ferns and assorted small succulents), but they all seem to die on me.  Hell, the cacti I bought during college kicked the bucket when I forgot to turn off the heat to the apartment over Winter Break.  And you only need to really check in on a cactus once a week.

So the problem turned into a question: is there any plant I can successfully not kill?  And given that I wanted to spruce up my desk at work, is there any that would be fine getting fluorescent light and recycled air that I can successfully not kill?

Enter lucky bamboo.

It’s quite possibly the lowest-maintenance thing ever.  No soil needed, water whenever the levels are low, and that’s it.  So far, it’s been over three months, and it’s doing fine.  So maybe it was a question of finding a plant that can keep up with my clumsy care versus trying to increase my horticultural abilities.

But seriously, I killed a friggin’ cactus.  That might count as a demerit on my future application for a parenting license.

In all of Jack Nicholson’s storied filmography, there are few roles he’s taken that I can point to and say, “he definitely did that one for the paycheck.”  Sure, there might be plenty where I can say, “he did that one because of drugs,” or, “I can see how that might have been a good script before rewrites,” but there’s really only one that exemplifies his desire for cash money.  And that’s the date-within-your-age-group PSA known as Something’s Gotta Give.

Just kidding, guys.  Not everything I write has to start off with a metaphor or a story.

When I posted the Do you have a life quiz, I hadn’t actually taken it.  I had an idea of what my ranking would be, but when I did take it, the results were quite a bit worse.  I landed at a solid 47, which, according to my own assessment, means this:

46 – 52  Primed to explode

A little high-strung, are we?  Your priorities are too focused on one aspect of your life: work.  Whether it’s because you like it too much or hate it with a passion, you need to find a better outlet for your energy.  With all the stuff you do, you’re burning the candle at both ends and stretching yourself far too thin.  Use up some of those vacation days, or take a sick day if you have to.  If you don’t have time just to relax, you’ll begin to unravel.  Life isn’t all about being serious and professional.  Take it easy once in a while!

Here I was, thinking I was a fairly easy-going guy, but not too much of a workaholic.  But  between two jobs, the blog, social engagements, chores around the house, unexpected crises and a few other projects, I’ve begun spreading myself too thin.

So, I figured that I should cut something out of my daily life.  The problem is, I don’t want to.

I spend about an hour or two per day digesting media.  Books, magazines, newspapers (yes, I still read those), radio, TV and the Internet are all vying for time on my schedule.  And while it’s important to be knowledgeable about current (and past) events, it’s not ultimately necessary.  The whole media fast thing didn’t work out so well for me, so perhaps a different approach is required.

I’ve long held the belief that my near-encyclopedic knowledge of movies, music, TV, books, comics, Internet memes and history was a good thing.  Being able to answer over 90% of the answers correctly on any given game show seemed like it could be a good life skill, if I ever decided to be on a game show.  It’s been something that I enjoy.  But now that I think about the sheer volume of gray matter devoted to the intricacies of Spider-Man’s history or the second season of Scrubs, I’m starting to wonder if it’s really beneficial.

I’ve talked before about the finite level of intelligence that we all have versus the infinite level of cumulative knowledge we possess as a society, but is there much utility to be gained from recalling the names of the original Pokemon or identifying landmarks mentioned in the Sherlock Holmes series in my day-to-day?  Besides brain-tickling factitude, what do I get out of absorbing this material?

The problem is that I like learning these things.  I enjoy reading up on new stuff.  The act of sprouting bon mots out of nowhere is a part of my personality.  So even if it’s the part that I should get rid of, it’s going to be a long, arduous and concentrated process.

You know what?  I think I’ll just quit sleeping instead.  That seems like it’ll be easier.

Finding some semblance of a balance between your social life and professional life can be a harrowing experience.  There’s lots of potential for missteps, and it can be easy to go overboard.  So how are you doing when it comes to getting your ducks in a row?  Take this quiz and find out!

1. Which of the following best describes your employment situation?
   1. Full-time
   2. Part-time
   3. Freelance/Consultant/Contract
   4. Unemployed
   5. Moss grows on the North side of a tree
2. On average, how many hours do you work per week?
   1. Over 40
   2. 21-40
   3. 15-20
   4. 14 or under
   5. “Work?” I don’t “work!”  I just do stuff.
3. Please next to each of the following that you participate in on a weekly or monthly basis.  You must perform the task at least once a month on average to give it a mark.
   1. Religious organization (observances, social gatherings, etc)
   2. Charity/nonprofit work (runs, volunteering, donations, etc)
   3. Sports league/gym/training (anything athletic where you change clothes to do it, and I don’t mean “do it” do it)
   4. Social club or group (book club, bowling league, discussion group, etc)
   5. Going out with a group (bars, clubs, coffee shops, restaurants, movies, etc)
   6. Romantic expedition (date, ONS, etc. If you’re in an LTR, you get a point here)
   7. Doing things with your pet (if you have a pet, check here)
   8. Family events (if you see immediate family/in-laws at least once per month)
4. Choose the word or phrase to complete this sentence: “I __________ my job.”
   1. Love
   2. Like
   3. Loathe
   4. Hate (with the burning intensity of a million exploding suns)
   5. Am unemployed and wish I could talk about
5. Please pick only one response.  What is the best part of your job?
   1. The job itself
   2. My co-workers/boss
   3. The money
   4. BWAHAHAHAHA…”best”?!  Oh man, you really had me going there…
   5. Cookie Day!
6. Please pick only one response.  What is the worst thing about your job?
   1. The hours
   2. The pay
   3. My co-workers/boss
   4. The dress code
   5. Overabundance of flair and lack of red staplers
7. If your ten-year-old self could see what you do for work right now, he/she would probably…
   1. Give me a high-five
   2. Scowl at me, but understand it
   3. Cry
   4. Kick me in the man/lady parts
   5. Buy an almanac with details about a bunch of sports games over the past few decades
8. How often do you bring your work home with you?
   1. At least several times per week
   2. Once every week or two
   3. At least once a month
   4. Hardly ever
   5. Doesn’t matter when it’s due; that shit STAYS in the office
9. Honestly, do you think you are being paid adequately for your skills?
   1. Yes
   2. For the most part…
   3. No
   4. Definitely not
   5. My skills are too great to be described in terms of monetary compensation, other than “eleventy kajillion dollars an hour”
10. Would you say you are a morning person?
    1. Darn tootin’!
    2. Maybe after I have some coffee
    3. Bleh.  No.
    4. The night is my mistress.
    5. Zzzz…
11. If your life was a movie, it would be a…
    1. Comedy
    2. Drama
    3. Horror
    4. Sci-fi
    5. Short film about Andy Warhol eating a hamburger
12. Are you currently looking for another job right now?
    1. Nope
    2. Sending out my resume to get a feel for the job  market, but nothing serious
    3. Somewhat actively
    4. Oh, HELL yes
    5. I’m already the lord sovereign of a box of cupcakes in my fridge.  I’m set.

Answer key: Tally up your points!

Here’s how you did:

0 – 11  No life!

You’re too relaxed!  Sure, you might have been goofing off with your answers, but you may need to start taking yourself and your career more seriously.  Stress can be good for you, and a little responsibility never hurt anyone.  After all, you can be a contributing member of society and still watch “Spongebob.”

12 – 23  A bit too calm

You’re on your way towards a good balance, but you’re not quite there in terms of understanding the balance.  You might call it zen, but you’re a bit closer to laziness and apathy.  Get yourself more involved and focused – it will help you with the rest of your daily routine.  In fact, a bit more experience and planning are all you really need to hit the right balance.

24 – 32  Perfectly level

You’ve got your act together!  Sure, there might be some stuff you want to work on improving about yourself, but you understand priorities and boundaries.  Give yourself a cookie.

33 – 45  A little too strict

You need to relax a bit and loosen up!  While you might be really focused on proving yourself and getting your life going, you’re running the risk of having too many plates spinning.  Take a step back and evaluate what you need to do to achieve the balance you want.

46 – 52  Primed to explode

A little high-strung, are we?  Your priorities are too focused on one aspect of your life: work.  Whether it’s because you like it too much or hate it with a passion, you need to find a better outlet for your energy.  With all the stuff you do, you’re burning the candle at both ends and stretching yourself far too thin.  Use up some of those vacation days, or take a sick day if you have to.  If you don’t have time just to relax, you’ll begin to unravel.  Life isn’t all about being serious and professional.  Take it easy once in a while!

I swear, you guys, I almost called this one If You Say I’m Nice or Smart, I Will Straight Up Punch You in the Mouth.  And now I feel that that requires some explanation.

Back in the early days of elementary school, we would have a yearly Valentine’s Day thing where everyone would pick up a box or two of character-branded valentines, some mini candies, and would then proceed to write little notes to each other.  We’d wind up giving the cards to everyone in class, each with a school-mandated compliment.  Every year, almost all of the ones I received said something like “You’re nice,” or “You’re smart.”

Now, I don’t mean to be a stickler about what a third-grader defines as a compliment, but I don’t really think that either of those qualify.  To me, seeing those words on the cards was about the same as seeing something like, “You have hair on your head,” or “Your name is Andrew.”  They didn’t mean anything, because they didn’t say anything.  One could argue that smart and nice are compliments, but they came across as statements, or noting characteristics.

I think this is why I have a hard time taking any sort of real compliment.

When one of my first girlfriends told me that she thought I was attractive, I didn’t buy it, so I had to awkwardly accept it and pretend that I did.  When someone says that they think I’m a good writer, I don’t really believe it.  Then again, it could be because I’m not auditory-based.

I’ll probably go into more detail about this in another post, but there are three types of feeling-based comments, and people respond to one more than the other two:

• Auditory – best respond to things described in words; they will use the terms “sounds” or “hear” more often
• Visual – keyed into visual and seen cues; use words like “see” or “look”
• Tactile – need to feel, physically or emotionally; use words like “get” or “feel”

I love words and language; hell, I wouldn’t have a blog if I didn’t.  But I respond to tactile (or kinesthetic) stimuli.  So if you tell me you like something, I won’t take it as much.  But if you tell me why you like it, or how it makes you feel, or even offer constructive criticism on how you think it could be better, that I will appreciate.

Think about what comments and discussions you appreciate most.  You’ll probably notice a theme that runs through them in how they’re worded.  By discovering this pattern, you can learn how to connect with others, and how to get the most out of your own interactions.  I’ve gotten around this quasi-barrier by mentally editing things that people say to me into a kinesthetic sense; it helps me to understand them better.  And while we’re not talking in different languages, this translation makes communication a lot easier.

Still, when it comes to giving compliments, receiving compliments, staying in touch with people, leaving comments on blogs and so on, it can be hard for me to deal with if it’s a simple message with no weight behind it.  Because to me, that’s just a statement.  It’s as bland and powerless as “smart” or “nice.”

Not that I don’t appreciate it.  And if it comes on a little card with candy, I’ll definitely take it.

A while ago, I realized that while Needle, Meet Haystack may be my personal view on things, it isn’t the only view.  So every other Friday, you’ll be getting the chance to read some awesome guest posts from some truly excellent people – the Needle, Meet Haystack Guest Blogger Club.

Mehnaz Thawer, of Speak Softly and Carry A Red Pen (formerly Strawberry Ghetto), blogs about language, business, pop culture, and the struggles of being an introvert.  When she’s not busy proving that Canadians can be way more awesome than one might expect, Mehnaz works as a freelance writer and editor.  Her post today happens to be one of my favorite subjects: language and writing.

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I love language. I love everything about it from syntax to semantics.  I’m a big fan of grammar and clever usage.  I sometimes write down words I think are kind of fun on sticky notes so I can use them later.  My friend once did one of those “most likely” quizzes on Facebook, and voted me “most likely to correct your grammar.”  I have a shirt that says “Thesaurus Rex.”  It’s pink.

By the time I was in nursery school, I spoke 3 languages.  By the time I hit the end of elementary school, I was well on my way to 5.  Granted, now I don’t use some of those languages as much, I still enjoy being able to converse in them on occasion.

I once turned down a date (editor’s note: less SFW example here) because the fellow made a rather monumental mistake in a message he wrote to me.  Harsh?  Probably.  But he also used animated emoticons every few words, and after reading a few lines, I had a headache.  It was warranted.

Grammar geeks kind of get a bad rap these days, even though there are so many of us wandering around with our red pens.  Yeah, we can be a bit annoying sometimes, especially when we’re on edge.  But we do a good service to humankind on some days.

I can’t point to exactly when I became a lexophile, but words make my heart go pitter-patter.  There is nothing more impressive to me than someone who can throw down on the New York Times crossword puzzle.  I love the flexibility of language, and how words constantly change as they make their way into our mass usage.  Who knew “text” would become a verb, or for that matter “tweet” (still not as annoying as “facebooked” – yuck!)

Language is important to me.  I sometimes cringe when people make mistakes, but I am by no means the authority on it.  I don’t make (too many) judgments of people when they don’t know what something means, or spell a common word wrong.  That would be annoyingly erudite.

Now you don’t have to be some kind of super-genius to enjoy language or even to use it.  If this made me sound hideously high-brow, I didn’t mean it to.  We read and use language every day in so many ways.  For those of you who aren’t “readers,” I’m sure you’ve read your horoscope once in a while or caught headlines while in line at the bank.

Appreciate your language, what ever it is, and learn to love the grammar nerds in your life.  In some ways, we both entertain you and save your asses on occasion.  The next time you are trying to impress a date with something poetic or need a read-over on a presentation, remember we’re always lurking behind the words somewhere, saving the world from errant commas!