I swear, you guys, I almost called this one If You Say I’m Nice or Smart, I Will Straight Up Punch You in the Mouth. And now I feel that that requires some explanation.
Back in the early days of elementary school, we would have a yearly Valentine’s Day thing where everyone would pick up a box or two of character-branded valentines, some mini candies, and would then proceed to write little notes to each other. We’d wind up giving the cards to everyone in class, each with a school-mandated compliment. Every year, almost all of the ones I received said something like “You’re nice,” or “You’re smart.”
Now, I don’t mean to be a stickler about what a third-grader defines as a compliment, but I don’t really think that either of those qualify. To me, seeing those words on the cards was about the same as seeing something like, “You have hair on your head,” or “Your name is Andrew.” They didn’t mean anything, because they didn’t say anything. One could argue that smart and nice are compliments, but they came across as statements, or noting characteristics.
I think this is why I have a hard time taking any sort of real compliment.
When one of my first girlfriends told me that she thought I was attractive, I didn’t buy it, so I had to awkwardly accept it and pretend that I did. When someone says that they think I’m a good writer, I don’t really believe it. Then again, it could be because I’m not auditory-based.
I’ll probably go into more detail about this in another post, but there are three types of feeling-based comments, and people respond to one more than the other two:
- Auditory – best respond to things described in words; they will use the terms “sounds” or “hear” more often
- Visual – keyed into visual and seen cues; use words like “see” or “look”
- Tactile – need to feel, physically or emotionally; use words like “get” or “feel”
I love words and language; hell, I wouldn’t have a blog if I didn’t. But I respond to tactile (or kinesthetic) stimuli. So if you tell me you like something, I won’t take it as much. But if you tell me why you like it, or how it makes you feel, or even offer constructive criticism on how you think it could be better, that I will appreciate.
Think about what comments and discussions you appreciate most. You’ll probably notice a theme that runs through them in how they’re worded. By discovering this pattern, you can learn how to connect with others, and how to get the most out of your own interactions. I’ve gotten around this quasi-barrier by mentally editing things that people say to me into a kinesthetic sense; it helps me to understand them better. And while we’re not talking in different languages, this translation makes communication a lot easier.
Still, when it comes to giving compliments, receiving compliments, staying in touch with people, leaving comments on blogs and so on, it can be hard for me to deal with if it’s a simple message with no weight behind it. Because to me, that’s just a statement. It’s as bland and powerless as “smart” or “nice.”
Not that I don’t appreciate it. And if it comes on a little card with candy, I’ll definitely take it.
