Needle, Meet Haystack

I’m a big fan of music, especially classic rock, old-school rap, mid-90s “alternative” and old jazz.  And I like to think that I’ve got good taste in the tunes that invade my ear-holes.  But one thing I’m bad at is finding the actual song lyrics.

Enter one of my favorite sites when I happen to need it because a track is stuck in my head and I have no idea if they’re singing “The algebra has a devil for a sidekick eeeeeeeeee….” or “Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me…”*, I go to the Archive of Misheard lyrics, otherwise known as KissThisGuy.com.

I was explaining this site to a friend of mine the other day while we were waiting for a concert to start.  The site’s name is taken from the misheard lyric to Jimi Hendrix’s “Purple Haze.” When the master of badass guitar riffs and other awesomeness sings, “Excuse me while I kiss the sky,” some people hear, “Excuse me while I kiss this guy.”  Kinda changes the meaning for the song, huh?

So as soon as I say the bad lyric (“kiss this guy”), some dude walks up to his buddy standing near us and says, “This guy?  THIS guy?!”

Okay, maybe you had to be there.  But it was pretty funny.  Then again, so is “Steak and a knife.”

*Of course I know this one.  It’s Bohemian Rhapsody, for goodness’ sake.  But when my friends and I broke out into song last week, some of them didn’t, and made that mistake.

Life doesn’t always have to be about work, relationships, social obligations, personal development, current events, and pop culture.  Sometimes, it’s just about goofy stuff.  Why, just the other day, I decided to come up with a few images based around the concept of “Needle, Meet Haystack.”  Thanks to my good friend Photoshop, I managed to squeak out some amateurish attempts.  Enjoy!

I’ve mentioned my unabashed love for How I Met Your Mother once or twice, but up until this point, that’s been more about the characters than some of the philosophies that the show brings forth, especially one that is so common that I’m surprised that it hasn’t been discussed more.

If you haven’t guessed by the title, I’m talking about revertigo.

Revertigo, for those of you too lazy to click on the urban dictionary link I provided above,  is the phenomenon that occurs when you see and interact with people from your past and revert to your old personality and mannerisms around them.  It happens to all of us – with old bosses, family, friends, ex-significant others, and even our physicians.  Whether it’s excitement or fear or complacency, everyone can get it.

Sometimes, it’s because we don’t know how else to act around them.  We find comfort in our old patterns and routines, becoming complacent as we were, rather than showing these people how we are now.  And while revertigo may be a comforting security blanket in some social situations, the cost is even higher.

Rather than allowing the people from their past to get to know them in the present, those who submit to revertigo try to preserve their old selves instead, preventing others from seeing them as they are.  It’s unfortunate to find out that someone hasn’t changed, especially as some of those changes may have occurred – they can end up looking immature, lazy, direction-less, or even pathetic.  Sometimes, we completely change as people during the interim of a few years.  But revertigo means that some will never see that.

There’s no quick cure for revertigo, other than a good amount of self-esteem and the control to focus on how one is now instead of then.  After all, there’s a good chance that the other person has changed too.  And using a personality time machine means that two people are missing out on getting to know each other better.

You guys may not know this, but between growing up in the suburbs (Phoenix is pretty much all suburbs, folks) and going to college in Tulsa, Oklahoma, I’m pretty okay with the concept of Walmart.

That sound you’re hearing now is the sound of my 5 subscribers unsubscribing and the few dozen people who followed the link from Twitter throwing their heads back in anguish and screaming.  Or maybe it’s one of these.

If you’re still reading, please keep in mind I said the concept of Walmart, not the people.

At any rate, Walmart is great if you’re looking for a bunch of random stuff and don’t feel like shopping around.  Or if you want cheap stuff.  Or both.  Like, let’s say that you want some headphones that you’ll feel okay about leaving in the office in case the night cleaning crew decides to steal them.  And maybe also some travel-sized toothpaste for that trip you’ve got coming up.  And some Gatorade.  And some shorts.  And a banana.

Because apparently, Walmart found out that if you buy 6 random items or less, there’s something like a 20% chance that one of those items will be bananas.  Which is why Walmart has bananas all over.  Like by the hardware section, the sporting goods, and toys.  Yet, strangely, not by most of the other produce.

See?  Walmart teaches you things!

So, let’s back up before the bananas to the shorts.  Because I stopped buying or wearing shorts (besides swimming trunks) about 7 or 8 years ago when I realized that people think you’re more grown up and professional if you wear any sort of full leg covering, and I spend most of my time around air conditioning or heating, so what does it matter anyway.  But I’ve recently planned to go to a few places that may require being outside for longer with humid/uncomfortable climates during the hotter parts of the day.

Don’t judge me; it’s like 115 degrees Fahrenheit here on a nice day.

Anyway, I was looking around for some shorts that would be socially appropriate (Jeremy and I had a discussion about this a while back on Twitter), when I realized that none of the shorts were small enough for me.  Because thanks to my gigantic bootay, I’ve had the same pants size regardless of my actual waist for coming up on ten years now (in about two years).

So here I am, feeling pleased as punch, especially given the discussion about weight and all that somewhat serious stuff a few weeks ago, when I realize that Holy guacamole, I actually need shorts and they are not in my size! So maybe they run big or something, right?

Frantically searching for a sales associate to help me find the best pair of partial leg coverings available (besides, you know, this).  And the nice thing is that most of said items are less than the price of some value meals at certain fast food establishments.  But!  I’m willing to spend a bit more on quality.

So I find a middle-aged woman with a permanent scowl and librarian glasses that aren’t the sexy Tina Fey-type library glasses, but the Roz from Monsters Inc. type, and start telling her that I would like to find some shorts in my size and do they sell them at Walmart because I don’t think that I’m that much thinner-waisted than the average American, but if I am, that’s okay, because I wear a belt so that should help, right?

Then Roz tells me that they kinda have more than one rack of shorts at Walmart.

And it turns out that their sizes run a bit small anyway.

So I got my shorts for about the price of the complete series DVD collection of Birds of Prey, along with a few other things that I wanted to get.  But I skipped the bananas.  Because Walmart shouldn’t trick people into thinking that they’re skinny.  Or that there’s only one rack of shorts in the whole dang store.

Guys, I’m giving 1/3 of my weekly posting real estate to tell you about this, because it’s pretty cool, plus it’s free.  And maybe they asked me to.  But it’s free, so it’s not like I’m saying “BUY MOAR OF THESE AND I GET MONIES AND WE ALL GET MAX WIN LOLZ” or something like that.

Of course, if I just brought back Sunday Links, this whole kerfuffle could be avoided in the first place.  But I digress.

One of the NMH Top 10 bloggers from last year, Rich DeMatteo, has teamed up with one of my favorite sites, Brazen Careerist, to release an eBook full of advice for job seekers that is TOTALLY FREE.

All you need to do is sign up for the site, which you’ve probably already done; click here to get it.

Here’s 10 things I like about it:

1. It’s free.
2. Nice formatting.
3. Short sections, so you can read it in about 15 minutes.
4. Did I mention it’s free?
5. Great advice from a bunch of HR and recruiting pros.
6. Highly rereadable.
7. It costs zero dollars and no cents (across all currencies).
8. Digestible in bite-sized snippets or one big ol’ reading gulp.
9. Easy to get, takes no time to download.
10. IT’S FLARKING FREE, DANGIT!

However, there’s one problem that you might have with it:

1. I in no way contributed to any of the contents in this eBook.

So while my ego isn’t big enough to think that any of you would be dissuaded from reading this thing because I had no part in it (I am endorsing it after all), please keep in mind that Penelope Trunk did have a big hand in it.  So that should more than make up for a lack of my own unique brand of “advice.”

So what are you still reading this for?!  Don’t you want some free ebook goodness? DOWNLOAD IT AND WE ALL GET MAX WIN LOLZ

Sorry, that kinda slipped out there.  But seriously, people, download it.

Despite what Paula Abdul and MC Skat Kat might have told us, opposites don’t always attract.  You’ve heard the old adage about oil and water (oil and water don’t mix, for all those in the class who were sick that day), and it’s very true that some people don’t get along.  Of course, this shouldn’t worry you.  Unless, of course, you have to work together.

I’m not talking about someone not pulling their weight or failing to get proper recognition.  I don’t mean figuring things out with your archenemy (this person is probably more of a nemesis, anyway).  No, this is about coming together in a non-cliche way to accomplish a common goal without feeling the need to find more common ground, respect, or trust for one another.  Because let’s face it, sometimes you don’t want to make more friends.  And sometimes, you just really don’t like somebody.  And that’s okay.

Some people will suggest that you acknowledge the animosity between you two and suggest a few alternatives.  But the problem with that strategy is that it is contingent on both of you being aware of your mutual dislike for each other, something both parties may not even be aware of.  Also, they could put in the dig, “Well, I like you…”, which will exacerbate the situation.

Some others will say that it’s a good idea to limit your contact with the other person as much as possible, keep to yourself, and do your own work.  In the case of this solution, that requires that both of you do an amazing job on the task in a way that makes it seem like you worked together.  If one or both of you does poorly, the animosity will only increase.

No, the best way to deal with this situation is to work together.

And by work together, I mean that you collaborate, focusing only on the task.  No conversational non-sequiturs, no attempting to bridge the gap, and as few arguments as possible.  When you’ve tried to work with this person before and failed, consider those experiences a point of reference on how to keep from things going pear-shaped.  If you feel that an argument is coming on, follow the old British World War II slogan, and just keep calm and carry on.

And, hey, here’s a dumb question: is the person who assigned the two of you to work together aware that you don’t get along?

It’s always a thrill for a leader to unite two disparate people or groups; it helps them work on their own leadership skills, and is a good show of their accomplishments when it comes time for them to report to their bosses.  They might think that all of the two of you need is a little push to become the best of co-workers.  But if you’re uncomfortable, let them know.  You might feel like a tattletale, but it’s worth saving your professional image (and your sanity) to be up-front about it.  Heck, the other person might have told them the same thing.

Sometimes, two people don’t work well together, and that’s okay.  But if you try to ignore the problem or fight it, things can get ugly rather quickly.  Well, not as ugly as having a cartoon cat rap and sing about being your lover, but close.

We’ve all got one – the story we’ve told over and over again so many times that it’s like second nature.  The one that all of our friends and family know, and the one that we feel helps to illustrate something about us.  We all share these stories with new friends.  Sometimes they’re funny, sometimes they’re sad, and sometimes, they’re just odd.  This one is mine.

It was a Saturday in mid-August, and I was wandering around a local mall, basking in the air conditioned joy that one only truly experiences when living in the desert in August.  I stopped to look at a sign in front of a video game shop advertising a new console, when I heard a young voice shout, “It’s YOU!”

Before I had time to fully assess the situation, I found myself crowded by a half-dozen small children, the oldest of whom must have been eight or nine.  All of them had big grins on their faces, looking at me with wide-eyed wonder.  Finally, one of them, missing her two front teeth and with her hair in braided pigtails, spoke up.  ”Where’s your owl?”

I had no idea what she was talking about, and was about to tell her as much.  ”I, uh, don’t have an owl–” Then, I saw that behind the kids, there was a small army of their mothers, staring intently at me.  One of them made the universal sign for Play Along, while another shot me the look of death.  So I did the only thing I could do.

I lied.

“–here.  My owl is at home.”

I should probably point out that this occurred in 2000, before the films had come out.  I’d skipped the books, having skimmed a bit of the first and not enjoying it that much.  So it took me a while to catch on.

“Where’s your wand?” A boy in a Kermit shirt asked.

I waffled.  ”It’s at home, with the owl.”  The mothers were all glaring now.

“But shouldn’t a wizard always have his wand?”

“Well, usually, I guess so, but I’m on vacation, so it’s okay.”

“Don’t you spend your summers with your aunt and uncle?  In their basement?”

“They let me out.”

Another boy chimed in.  ”That doesn’t sound right…”

The glares were becoming quite intense now.

“Erm…I used a spell to get out of the house for a bit.”

“Don’t you need a wand for that?  And where’s your scar?”

And then I realized what was happening.

The kids thought that I was Harry Potter.

With the full power of a half-dozen mothers glaring at me viciously, I proceeded to badly mumble my way through about ten more minutes of questions.  And I must have done a pretty good job, since the kids asked me for autographs when it was all done.

It’s at this point that someone questions how much I looked like young Mr. Potter, so I show them my old license photo, taken a few years later. So, here’s my old license photo, taken a few years later.

After the kids and their moms (who stopped glaring some time around when I was answering questions about Hagrid) had left, I realized two things: I needed a haircut, and I might have been better off with contacts.  But that’s another story.

And years later, when I still tell the tale of how I had been a fictional character for about 15 minutes, I think of the best part: there’s around a half-dozen guys and girls who are probably in college now that have autographs from Harry Potter.

Sorry, everyone.  This week has been pretty hectic and I didn’t get today’s post done in time.  Hopefully this will be the last time you read about this sort of thing for a while.

DISTRACTION KITTEN!!!

Any high school guidance counselor worth their salt will tell you that you should send out to at least six universities that are evenly distributed among three groups: schools you want to get into (dream schools), schools you can probably get into (realistic schools), and schools you know you can get into (“Well crap, looks like I’m going here” schools).  In fact, if you think back to sessions with your high school guidance counselor, you’re probably going to find tons of nuggets of info about applying to colleges that could work for job apps, too.  But the three tiers are the key, and one of the reasons that most people are having trouble finding work.

In marketing, one of the ways that customers are segmented is into three groups: A, B and C groups.  The A group is people who do not buy your product, have never bought your product, and may never buy your product.  The B group is people who have bought your product once or twice or three times; B group members are light users.  If someone’s in the C group, they use the product frequently and are big fans of the brand; C group contains anyone from frequent users to fanatics.

Unsurprisingly, most companies try to cater their marketing to the A group to increase market share, even if catering to the B group might get them more profits, and catering to the C group could lead to more word-of-mouth and positive reviews from their already devoted consumers.

When people apply for jobs, they tend to stick with businesses that are in the B group (aka the realistic schools), rather than branching out.  And this is stupid.

By limiting yourself to a certain type of employer along a single spectrum, they’re helping to create a sort of job seeker-bottleneck where certain positions receive a heavy influx of applicants, while others receive next to none.  As a result, fewer people get jobs, and more positions remain unfilled for longer.

You might be wondering how this bottleneck is created, if people are on different levels of experience and education.  The answer to that is locked up in some government/independent study that I’m too lazy to look up.  But the short answer is that too many people read into job descriptions too much, counting themselves out from work that they are qualified for, perceiving themselves as on a level similar to their peers.  This is why there’s a big problem with finding employment for workers who once held entry-level and mid-upper level positions.

The bottleneck does serve the purpose of bringing in better candidates, but that helps the companies, not the unemployed.

When someone applies for a job that they think is beneath them, there’s only two things that really need to be dealt with: the overqualification hurdle and personal justification for job whoring.  Other than that, there’s no reason why you can’t sell out.  It’s much better to be able to pay for rent and food and utilities than becoming a hobo.  And if worst comes to worst, those applying for a backup (aka “C” group) job can always come up with an exit strategy.

As for the “A” group applications, all I can say is that a lot of people are more qualified than they might think.  It might behoove some applicants to apply for the position anyway – some seemingly inconsequential experience can end up netting a ridiculously good job.  And there are some occasions where a hiring manager will promote from within to give the applicant work one or two rungs down on the corporate ladder anyway.

So when it comes to sending out resumes, don’t be limited by what you think you can get.  Explore the other two ends of the spectrum to create a three-tiered approach.  You might be surprised at the results!

Every month, I get hundreds upon hundreds of spam comments that are caught in my blog’s spam filter. Sometimes they’re philosophical, sometimes they’ve got a funny sense of irony…what will they have today?  Now with commentary!

“TL;DR; but you have great pictures.” -Cheap Home Loans, on Do You Have a Life?

Man, when the spam says it skipped through your post, that’s just harsh.

“EXACTLY what I’ve been looking for! Thanks so much!” -Women’s Shoes, on Teams Are for Suckers

“Thanks for this useful article.” -Cheap MBA, on The Great Idea Garage Sale

“My cousin recommended this blog and she was totally right keep up the fantastic work!” -Forex Robot, on Something’s Gotta Give

That’s better.  Cheap Home Loans, flattery is always the better option.  Even though you’re all spam.

“Good dispatch and this fill someone in on helped me alot[sic] in my college assignement[sic]. Thank you as your information.” -iPod Hacks, on Friends I’ve Never Met by Ashley Campbell

Good job, Ashley!  You helped a spam post with its college assignement!

“Fascinating Information…This site disagrees with you though…” -LCD TV, on I Don’t Give a Damn About My Reputation

“Great site…This site says the same…” -LCD TV, on I Don’t Give a Damn About My Reputation

Make up your mind, dude. [Please note, they forgot to include links to said sites]

“I caught myself. Biting my lip I leaned aid, easing the [censored] into my neck joint, and I felt myself shaking with orgasm. I rammed my [censored] into the palisade in my necessity, riding the [censored] behind me for all it was worth. It felt as notwithstanding I was being [censored] in two and I felt myself inadequate to on again and again. Bracing myself on the reverse barrier, I reached privately, gripping the [censored] as it [censored] me, belief it go in and extinguished of my [censored] and I squeezed my cheek. Disappointing to be [censored] so unluckily, I grabbed and kneaded my [censored] frantically. Slamming into the [censored], it looked like an earthquake was hitting the restroom as the stalls swayed backside and forth to my [censored]. Pounding my [censored], I stuck my fingers into my [censored], [censored]ing myself. My [censored] rubbed against my [censored] as I did so, and I screamed. [censored] me you [censored]! I heard him catch a breath from behind the wall, and I renewed my pace as I felt him [censored] me, help me in my quest to make him [censored]. Flexing my [censored] to bleed him deeper, I withdrew to the [censored], in front of slamming endorse down.” -Physician’s Assistant, on The Beard Paradox

Physician’s Assistant, I don’t think most of that is anatomically possible.  Shouldn’t you, as a physician’s assistant, know that? I did get to turn it into censored Mad Libs, so thanks for that.

“Pretty nice post. I just stumbled upon your blog and wanted to say that I have really enjoyed browsing your blog posts. In any case I’ll be subscribing to your feed and I hope you write again soon!” -Bestiality Porn, on What’s the Point of Reruns?

Oh, COME ON.

Well, guys, I think it’s safe to say that I’m getting Jamie and Nicole’s spam now.