Needle, Meet Haystack

You guys may not know this, but between growing up in the suburbs (Phoenix is pretty much all suburbs, folks) and going to college in Tulsa, Oklahoma, I’m pretty okay with the concept of Walmart.

That sound you’re hearing now is the sound of my 5 subscribers unsubscribing and the few dozen people who followed the link from Twitter throwing their heads back in anguish and screaming.  Or maybe it’s one of these.

If you’re still reading, please keep in mind I said the concept of Walmart, not the people.

At any rate, Walmart is great if you’re looking for a bunch of random stuff and don’t feel like shopping around.  Or if you want cheap stuff.  Or both.  Like, let’s say that you want some headphones that you’ll feel okay about leaving in the office in case the night cleaning crew decides to steal them.  And maybe also some travel-sized toothpaste for that trip you’ve got coming up.  And some Gatorade.  And some shorts.  And a banana.

Because apparently, Walmart found out that if you buy 6 random items or less, there’s something like a 20% chance that one of those items will be bananas.  Which is why Walmart has bananas all over.  Like by the hardware section, the sporting goods, and toys.  Yet, strangely, not by most of the other produce.

See?  Walmart teaches you things!

So, let’s back up before the bananas to the shorts.  Because I stopped buying or wearing shorts (besides swimming trunks) about 7 or 8 years ago when I realized that people think you’re more grown up and professional if you wear any sort of full leg covering, and I spend most of my time around air conditioning or heating, so what does it matter anyway.  But I’ve recently planned to go to a few places that may require being outside for longer with humid/uncomfortable climates during the hotter parts of the day.

Don’t judge me; it’s like 115 degrees Fahrenheit here on a nice day.

Anyway, I was looking around for some shorts that would be socially appropriate (Jeremy and I had a discussion about this a while back on Twitter), when I realized that none of the shorts were small enough for me.  Because thanks to my gigantic bootay, I’ve had the same pants size regardless of my actual waist for coming up on ten years now (in about two years).

So here I am, feeling pleased as punch, especially given the discussion about weight and all that somewhat serious stuff a few weeks ago, when I realize that Holy guacamole, I actually need shorts and they are not in my size! So maybe they run big or something, right?

Frantically searching for a sales associate to help me find the best pair of partial leg coverings available (besides, you know, this).  And the nice thing is that most of said items are less than the price of some value meals at certain fast food establishments.  But!  I’m willing to spend a bit more on quality.

So I find a middle-aged woman with a permanent scowl and librarian glasses that aren’t the sexy Tina Fey-type library glasses, but the Roz from Monsters Inc. type, and start telling her that I would like to find some shorts in my size and do they sell them at Walmart because I don’t think that I’m that much thinner-waisted than the average American, but if I am, that’s okay, because I wear a belt so that should help, right?

Then Roz tells me that they kinda have more than one rack of shorts at Walmart.

And it turns out that their sizes run a bit small anyway.

So I got my shorts for about the price of the complete series DVD collection of Birds of Prey, along with a few other things that I wanted to get.  But I skipped the bananas.  Because Walmart shouldn’t trick people into thinking that they’re skinny.  Or that there’s only one rack of shorts in the whole dang store.