Whenever we start a new relationship with someone, there’s always one piece of baggage that comes out before the others. Maybe it’s a religious preference (or the lack of one). Maybe it’s a dietary restriction. Maybe it’s a hobby, or a middle name, or a past job. This tiny piece of what we are as people, which seems so inconsequential to us becomes something pivotal to others. But it’s impossible to predict what that thing is; it’s different for different people.
One of the ladies at my office doesn’t eat anything that contains dairy. She isn’t lactose-intolerant; she just chooses to abstain from consuming anything made of milk. So on occasion, when there’s pizza or sandwiches or (most) baked goods around, it comes up. Someone who isn’t aware of it asks her why she’s not eating, and it invariably goes to a long conversation that seems like she’s at a bar and they’re asking her why she doesn’t drink. And there’s nothing wrong with her choice – though we do tease her a bit about taking milk shots and wonder how she can pass up ice cream – it’s just a part of who she is.
When I was in college, my baggage was all based on my religion. Most of the people at the university had never seen or met a Jewish person before, leading to the typical unintentional comment of, “You’re Jewish? I had no idea! You look so normal!” This would eventually turn into a 30-minute Q-and-A session where they asked about everything from circumcisions, bar mitzvahs, kosher rules and regulations, yarmulkes, and something vague involving Jesus.
The baggage acts as a distinguishing feature for people attach to you immediately, defining you in a single dimension that encompasses you in just a phrase. While this might be done initially as a way of remembering who you are, they can let the baggage become your dominant character trait, finding it in places where it isn’t there. To acquaintances and those who barely know you, you can be nothing more than that single dimension.
We all want to think of ourselves as being multi-faceted, complex, interesting people. And while we hope that our self-images extend into what others think of us, that isn’t always the case. It can stick, long after it’s worn out its welcome. It trails just a little behind, like a stray dog, on the periphery of our social senses. There’s no way to get rid of the baggage. After all, it’s a part of us.
Some people run as far away from the baggage as they can, denying it angrily, lashing out in an attempt to separate from it. Others embrace it as a label, or as a stepping stone towards developing deeper relationships. But the truth is, the baggage is neither a curse or a blessing. It’s a shorthand description, a quick summary for those taking just a glance. It’s just something we live with, bringing it along wherever we go.
People will define you in different ways. You won’t always be able to control how, when, or why. And you may not be able to change those definitions. But don’t worry about the baggage. The traveler is much more interesting.
Ha – “you look so normal”! I haven’t heard that one before. My friend Kim from high school who also lived in my dorm at U of Michigan was invited by her dorm roommate to go to her family’s house in small town-Michigan for Easter. At dinner, it came up that Kim was Jewish. The roommate’s parents’ eyes popped out of their heads as they stared at her in silence….and then asked, “but where are your horns?” Kim sat in silence waiting for laughter, thinking this had to be some kind of joke…but it wasn’t! Good post – although I’d argue against the point that there’s no way to get rid of the baggage. Some personal branding work by always making your brand loud and clear (whether it’s your interests, talents, personality, etc) can make other things define you.
Yay Abrahamic Faiths! (I don’t know why I said that). Love this post. It’s true what you say about baggage. I’m Muslim. I don’t drink. And I like alternative music and foreign films. I’m a veritable smorgasbord of labels. I choose to embrace them. I always try and help people understand who I am and where I’m coming from. In some ways (especially in relationships), the religion thing can really be a thorn in my side. But I figure it’s a good way of weeding out those who might not get it or respect it. It’s a matter of perspective
Marc – Thanks for your comments! I’ve had the “horns” thing before too…I hope that family just had a really awkward sense of humor too. And while I agree that personal branding can work well to counter some baggage, for some who’ve already identified us in a certain way, it can backfire and make the baggage-holder seem insincere. Maybe a combination of owning up to it and then using branding to emphasize other aspects is the way to go.
Mehnaz – I heard someone say, “the labels might say what’s inside, but they don’t say how it’s put together or how it works as a whole thing.” Though this may have been in reference to comparison shoppers arguing over potato chips, it is a good point. And using the labels to weed out the undesirables? Definitely a good way to make better connections with people.