Needle, Meet Haystack

Lights, camera, action!  It’s time for another Job That Might Seem Cool But Actually Kinda Sucks…Hollywood Edition!

The job: Film director

You might like this job if: You want to make movies.  Or maybe you just read Robert Rodriguez’s Rebel Without A Crew and got so inspired that you fell in love with the idea of your own film.  Maybe you like making short YouTube videos.  Or you might want to do this if you want to, you know, get rich and famous for directing.

The good: You get to make movies!  And you’re in charge!  Plus, you’ll probably get a ton of money for it, get to hook up with hot actors/actresses if you so choose.  You might win awards, get honorary doctorates, and all of the awesome things that celebrated directors get.  Did I mention the money?

The bad: Long hours, and I mean LONG hours.  Look at it this way: the writer’s job is done when the script is finalized (save for rewrites you or the studio will make), the actors’ jobs are done when shooting wraps, and so on.  You’re stuck to this project from when you sign on until all the editing is finished.  And then you get to do the press tour, by which time you’ve seen the movie over and over so many times you’re completely sick of it.  And speaking of shooting the film, remember that you are the chief coordinator of EVERYTHING, from stunts to special effects to lighting to sound and food and so on.  You will either have to deal with a lot of small problems on a very constant basis, or ignore them all and only deal with big disasters.  And all this doesn’t even account for the possibility that the movie might not do well in the box office, might get bad reviews, or do too well to the point that anything else you do will be compared to it.  Not to mention that it’s hard to establish yourself as a director and get serious studio backing.  It can be done, but it’s tricky and involves a lot of red tape and politics.  Directing is a lot of hard work for a risky payoff and is definitely not for the thin-skinned or impatient.

Summary: Provided you have a big enough ego and the talent to back it up, you could be a good director.  Whether you end up rich and famous is another story entirely.  And that decision is not in your hands.

Rating: Three clap boards out of five

What are you up to this weekend?  Playing video games?  Do you wonder if maybe you should turn that hobby into a full-time job?  Wonder no more, because this week, that’s exactly what we’ll be investigating!

The job: Video game tester

You might like this job if: You like video games.  It helps if you’re good at them (since that increases your chances of getting hired).

The good: You get to play video games!  And get paid for it!  And not just any video games, but ones that haven’t been released yet.  Plus, there’s a movie about people who do that for a living (though it wasn’t very good).  But you get paid to play video games!

The bad: Besides carpal tunnel and eye strain, you won’t be testing finished video games.  And you’ll be working more as a debugger than a player, going through to find problem areas, glitches and errors.  You probably will end up never playing a game, except for work.  It’s kind of like when you were a kid and said you could never get sick of pizza, and then after a month of eating just pizza, you couldn’t even look at a pizza or think the word “pizza” without getting sick.

Not to mention that you might end up testing hardware by doing things like seeing how many button presses it takes to break a controller.  Sounds fun, right?  Well, don’t forget that you have to write up a report detailing everything you’ve done down to the most minute detail.

Summary: Good in theory, bad in execution.  Kind of like the first time you tried rocket-jumping in Halo.  Stick to playing games for fun, not profit.

Rating: Three golden coins out of five.

Some parts of this week’s post shamelessly ripped off this article from Cracked.com

For the record, today’s Job That Might Seem Cool But Actually Kinda Sucks is in reference to the historical, Disneyland ride-based, Treasure Island-type pirate, not the ones that have been in the news more recently.  And yes, I’m aware of the South Park episode that explains the discrepancy.

The job: Pirate

You might like this job if: Well, if you like pirates, I guess.  Like the pirate speak, the pirate fashions, the pirate way of life, and so on.

The good: You get to be a pirate!  How awesome is that?  Sure, you might have to contend with ninjas, vikings and zombies to be the trend of the moment, but you’d get to be a pirate sailing the seven seas!  Arr!

The bad: First off, keep in mind that most pirates don’t get to be captains right off the bat.  You’d have to work your way up the ladder slowly, only getting the position through (most likely) a mutiny.  Also, you’d be on the seas for months, without a refrigerator or any way to really keep food fresh.  And without knowing when you would next be stopping into a port (or if you would have any funds), you might die of what many pirates did: starvation.  Unless you managed to hold it together enough to eat some leather, or slaves.  Oh, and you know what scurvy, the disease that many pirates had based on a lack of vitamin c, does to the body, right?  Teeth fall out, blood starts pouring from the gums and nose, and the bowels begin to discharge uncontrollably.  So besides starvation and diarrhea, what would be the bad thing?  That’s right – pirates are criminals, and that offense is punishable by death.  Similarly, modern software pirates get sued into oblivion.

Summary: It sounds like a nice job, but there’s a reason that pirating does not seem like a viable career choice these days.  Stick to dressing up at Halloween or watching the movies.

Rating: Five pieces of eight out of five

It’s Saturday!  So put on something fancy, get in a limo, and get ready to smile on the red carpet as the flashbulbs go off thanks to those who perform the service in this week’s job that might seem cool but actually kinda sucks…

The job: Paparazzi

You might like this job if: You like taking pictures.  And yelling at people.  And Facebook stalking.  Or stalking in general.  Oh, and money.

The good: You can pretty much buy a new house with the money you get for being the first to have pictures of an A-list couple’s baby.  Or get a celebrity angry, snap some shots, and sell them for more cash than most cubicle jockeys see in six months.  Yes, there’s a lot of cash to be had…

The bad: Well, people will think you’re the scum of the earth.  You will have to cope with the fact that you’re bringing up and breaking down people for no reason other than they’re famous (which you’re helping them be).  You have little, if any, legal rights, will have to camp out to get a single shot of the pop vixen eating lunch in hopes she chokes on a sandwich or something, and you’ll have to fight off hordes of other people to do it.  Not to mention that any shlub with a camera can claim to do the job.

Summary: Like money?  Great!  Look somewhere else, because unless you feel like being detested by pretty much everyone in the country (and in some other countries), there’s few (if any) reasons to do this job.

Rating: Five clelbrities blocking you from getting a decent shot and helping you to realize what a waste your chosen profession is out of five

Get ready to blast off this weekend, as we look at one of the biggest childhood wish fulfillment jobs of all time!  But does it live up to the hype?  Let’s find out…

The job: Astronaut

You might like this job if: You enjoy flying, astronomy, eating dehydrated food and wearing adult diapers.  And also if you really want to increase your chances of meeting extraterrestrial life.

The good: You’ll be a freaking astronaut!  You get to fly around space and see things firsthand that few people will ever get to see.  You’ll help chart the destiny for mankind among the stars.  You get to wear a spacesuit.  And all the free Tang you can drink.

The bad: You’ll have to REALLY like dehydrated food.  Also, your ship won’t be that spacious, and if you screw up in space, everyone will know about it.  Not to mention that after you return to Earth, you’ll have to go through quite a bit of physical therapy to regain some abilities.   Like walking.  Also, this is how you will have to go to the bathroom.

Summary: Besides giving up a few useful amenities that you probably take for granted way too much on Terra Firma, it’s a lot of hard work and dedication, but come on!  Astronaut!

Rating: Three astronaut ice creams out of five

The job: Motivational speaker

You might like this job if: You are good at both motivating and speaking.  And selling.  And having a definite point of view.  And telling stories.  Oh, and you have to market yourself and your books, so you should be good at writing too.  And organization.  And if you enjoy doing all of these (and other things), you might like being a motivational speaker!

The good: You get to help people make positive changes in their lives while getting a tidy profit.  You might become a celebrity!  And you will be an expert on some exciting topic (probably) and get called in as a talking head for a 24-hour news channel or daytime talk show!  Plus, your face and name will be all over your books, CDs, t-shirts, coasters, etc.  It’s like being a Hollywood star, but instead you have a lot of cute acronyms for stuff (kinda like Gary Busey, I guess).

The bad: If you’re successful, you will travel a lot.  I mean A LOT.  You also have to constantly memorize new speeches to give on new topics so you can retain old speaking gigs.  And there’s a lot of competition – there are hundreds of speakers bureaus representing hundreds of clients.  It can take a while to get to the top of the speakers’ circuit, and once you’re there, it’s hard to transition to another field.  Also, it’s mostly dependent on you being motivated yourself and having some prior experience that is a good “hook” for whatever your speech is on.  There’s a lot of work that goes into being a professional speaker, and some people can’t overcome the big hump of work it takes.

Summary: If you’re a charismatic, confident, intelligent, organized, got-their-stuff-together kind of person, you might be able to make it as a speaker.  But it takes an incredible amount of dedication and a conscious effort to put yourself out there as a model of whatever life-bettering patter you have.  There’s high risk and high reward, but the competition and sacrifices that one has to make to do the job have cut down many people.

Rating: Three shiny 32-tooth smiles out of five

In honor of birthdays and (more importantly) my most favorite food, today we’ll be talking about cake.  To paraphrase Greg Behrendt, just think about cake for a minute – it’s a miracle!  Honestly, if you don’t like cake, chances are that we are not friends.  Acquaintances, sure, but not friends.

Now, considering the new rush of cake-based TV in the form of Food Network’s Ace of Cakes (and all those cake challenges they have) and TLC’s Cake Boss, it’s an opportunity to look into the amazing world of cake.  So should you join in the fun?  Let’s find out…

The job: Cake Decorator

You might like this job if: You like cake.  And decorating.  Maybe you’re a fan of sculpture, or pastry, or fondant (whatever the hell that is), or you want a reality show.  Either way, your life should be consumed by cake.

The good: Cake!  How many ways can I friggin’ tell you?!  It’s cake!

The bad: You have to fill out some interesting requests.  Like this:

Or this:

And you have to be good.  It’s a lot of work to create some disposable art.  Plus you might not want to ever eat cake again.  And you have to admit, that might be the worst punishment of all.

Summary: Like cake and sculpting?  Enough to not eat cake ever again?  Okay with making some effed-up cakes?  If so, go for it!  Otherwise, just keep watching the Food Network and buying them.

Rating: Three Harry Potter Sorting Hat cakes out of five

Special thanks to my favorite cake blog, Cake Wrecks, for the awful cake pictures.

Happy birthday, America!  Here’s a patriotic JTMSCBAKS…with ’splosions!

The job: Fireworks technician

You might like this job if: You enjoy explosions, hearing people say “Ooh” and “Ahh,” and don’t mind working on New Year’s and July 4th.

The good: Explosions.  Pretty…

The bad: Besides risking a stray firework going the wrong way (like that scene from the beginning of The Fellowship of the Ring), there are a bunch of rules and regulations you need to follow.  Also, you need to be licensed.  And besides 7/4 and 1/1, work might be a bit scarce for you.

Summary: A bit risky, and not much consistent work besides two days out of the year, but – ooh…pretty…

Rating: Two friggin’ awesome displays with grand overtures out of five

The job: Professional dancer

You might like this job if: You like dancing, grooving, popping-and-locking, pirouetting, or grooving to the music, and want to make a career out of doing almost-acrobatics in front of a bunch of people.

The good: “Holy shit!  Did you see that?!” might be echoed ad infinitum by your audience as they watch you masterfully pull off moves that dazzle and amaze.  Or they might be captivated by your grace and majestic fluidity.  Either way, you will use your body to tell an expressive and beautiful story to many.  It’s man-made art that is never quite the same on each performance.

The bad: Do you know how many dancers there are in the world?  Here’s a hint: watch the audition parts of any dance reality show, look at how many people there are in the crowd scenes, and multiply that number by at LEAST 10,000.  There’s a huge amount of talented competition that you have to go up against to make it as a dancer, and even then, it’s difficult to really get acclaim.  Besides Mikhail Baryshnikov, there are very few people in today’s world who got famous solely from dancing (and that’s if you even know Baryshnikov from something besides Sex and the City).  Also, your talent is based on your body, which means that you must consistently keep yourself in good shape, avoid injury as much as possible, and will have to skip out on certain other activities that you might enjoy, like, say, ultimate fighting.

Also, it’s a very subjective field.  I don’t think that there is a real uniform consensus on certain styles of dance (in terms of people who like them or not), and there’s almost an in-group pretentiousness that develops among those in the dancing community.

Summary: Dancing requires a lot of time, effort, personal maintenance, and sacrifice in order to get skilled enough to make a career out of it.  And regardless of what movies may tell you, dancing at a performing arts school does not guarantee success.  It’s an incredibly competitive field, and you have to really judge the pros against the cons if you want to do this.  And if you’re in your 20s or later and are thinking of starting now, you might already be too late.  Unless you go for ballroom or something.

Rating: Four pretty ballerinas out of five

This week’s job is dedicated to the man who helped me realize that the only place I should be cooking is my kitchen: Anthony Bourdain.  For those not in the know, Mr. Bourdain is a badass writer and TV show host.  Most of this post is based around one book and one episode* in particular.  Cheers Tony!

The job: Chef

You might like this job if: You like cooking.  And by like, I mean love.  Personally, I’m a huge fan of it – I spent one semester at college doing nothing but watching cooking shows, reading recipes and trying out some interesting stuff.

The good: Hey, you get to cook!  And be creative!  You get to feed people your delicious culinary creations, and you get paid a good amount for it.  And if you’re lucky, you could get your own cookbooks, cooking show, frozen food line, kitchen gadget series or even get to judge/host a reality show!  Yes, the life of a chef can be pretty sweet.

The bad: If you haven’t read the book, here’s the gist of it: it takes a long time, a lot of patience, and a lot of effort to become a chef.  The hours and work could kill most reasonable people, the spaces are cramped, working your way up can be a thankless task, and you have to be quick.  Like, really quick.  If your restaurant is good, it will be busy, and you’ll have to make sure that hundreds upon hundreds of plates get put out every night – not to mention other chef duties, which can range from getting up before the sun comes up to get in shipments to dealing with your employees’ shenanigans after you’re finished.  You have to have thick skin and a thicker head to do it – and it’s not an easy road.  Despite what Rachael Ray and Sandra Lee might tell you, not everyone can be a chef.  Yes, you might be able to cook, but that’s not really the same thing.

Summary: Being a chef is a lot more difficult and less glamorous than one might think.  If you really want to do it, you have to put in a lot of time and energy, starting from the bottom to (hopefully) work your way up.  And culinary school won’t prepare you enough for it.

Rating: Two extremely sharp chef’s knives out of five

*The best I could find is this clip where he talks about it.  The episode is called “Into the Fire NY” and it’s in reruns on the Travel channel every once in a while.