Needle, Meet Haystack

In zombie movies, the outbreak is usually glossed over.  Scenes where the shambling masses move from patient zero to the general population to eventually overtake police, the military and society as we know it are left only as inferences as we see the naught but the destruction and remnants in their wake.  After all, it’s the before and after parts that keep our attention; the human drama and existential horror that faces everyday people as they cope with an unimaginable (for some) scenario is much more interesting than herds of moaning wraiths walking like drunks in high heels after the bars have closed.

But if I had to guess how the zombie infection spreads so rapidly, I would bet it has something to do with a lack of common sense.  And it wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest if it’s already started.

It’s a time-tested fact that people get sick more often in the winter; immune systems are less effective, sunlight is less prevalent, and stress over that f***ing groundhog doesn’t help matters at all.  There are millions of hacking, wheezing, coughing, sneezing, dripping, sluggish, sweating, barfing bags of disease masquerading as humans that clog our streets, our roads, our schools and our offices.  Each of them is armed with a microscopic army of viruses and bacteria and other little creepy-crawlies that the uninfected only discover when it’s too late.  It can strike anyone, from parents and friends to co-workers and strangers, including someone who’s prepared your food in the past week.

Think about your day.  If you can’t recall coming across a single sick person, then it’s probably you.

Over the past month, I’ve borne witness to almost every person in my office, social circle and family falling ill.  Sometimes for days, others for weeks.  And it seems like everyone falls into one of several patterns when they get a serious case of the sniffles, such as:

• Denial and Nonchalance - Coughs and sneezes uncovered, runny noses wiped on hands and sleeves, refusal to take time off to rest or even see a doctor – these are the hallmarks of an individual in denial about their true state of sickness.  Much like the guy who hides his zombie bite from the other survivors, these people are much more likely to snag a bite of your food and wait until you finished eating before mentioning that they’re sick.
• Over-exertion – Operating under the belief that the best way to heal a body is to kick its ass to near-death, they’ll deny every natural impulse and sleep less, exercise more, and do anything that could possibly tax a healthy body at ten times the magnitude in the hopes of burning it off.  Think of the guy who tells the other survivors to go on ahead as he runs headfirst into a swarm of the infected.  Or that ass at the gym who gets snot all over the treadmill and doesn’t wipe it off when he’s done.
• Overly cautious – Taking things a step too far, this WebMD-obsessed lady or fellow already has a medicine cabinet full of medicine, their health care provider on speed dial, and all of the appropriate accoutrements needed in the battle for good health.  But in between spritzes of Purel and switching out face masks, mistakes are made, and the contagion spreads, much like the overzealous, over-prepared zombie fan who falls for movie cliché #2 only six minutes into the film.  Sometimes forewarned is forearmed, but other times, it leads to an arsenal growing too large without a clear target.

I’m one of the lucky ones who’ve managed to avoid getting sick so far, thanks to pathological hand-washing, paranoia and a general sense of unease.  But all it takes is one slip-up from a cubicle-mate who pops by to ask a question, or one dirty hand from the checkout person at the grocer’s.

Maybe the reason that the outbreak gets glossed over in zombie movies is because it gets tedious to watch people getting bitten for an hour and a half.  Or maybe it’s because the way it actually spread was due to someone opting out of taking a sick day.

Wow!  I honestly didn’t think that anyone was going to read this after the headline!  Shoot…

Well, um, there’s no real post today.  Besides this one.  But this hardly counts.

Are you disappointed?  I know that I am.

But that means that you can spend your time more productively!  Maybe you could make a sandwich or write a nice letter or do some work or fix a pot of coffee.  I have no idea what you’re doing.  This is a pre-written blog post, after all.

Say, I’ve got an idea!  Imagine what you wish I’d blogged about today in this spot.  Visualize it and read it right now.  This post you’re reading isn’t that post, but let’s pretend that it is.

Wow, that was a great piece of writing, huh?  I really outdid myself that time!

Wait, you didn’t like the post?  Well, we should be able to blame that on someone else.

You know, you could always go outside and enjoy the weather.  Unless the weather is lousy where you are.  In which case, stay inside and relax.  Maybe read a book or a magazine or something.

I’ve been reading an IKEA catalog.  I’m pretty sure half the names for the stuff in it were made by a small cat walking across a keyboard several times.  I can count on one hand the number of vowels on each page.

Also, I have the theme song to Reading Rainbow stuck in my head.  Between a remix I heard today, last week’s Community, and A-1′s “Levar Burton,” I’ve heard it more in the past week than I have in the past decade.  Good song though.

…and that’s how we all learned that sometimes, headlines are eerily accurate.

Do you ever have that feeling that maybe the plot for The Truman Show wasn’t that far off, and that your life really is a gigantic reality show that entertains the masses?  Have you thought that your relationships and life are all scripted and pre-planned by committee to appeal to the widest possible audience?  Did it ever seem like maybe too many people just happened to be doing something that was beyond coincidence, and were using your life as a part of a game that only you were unaware of?

That all happened to me recently, when a smattering of strangers seemed to be playing the game, “Who can come closest to Andy’s car (while he’s driving) without getting hit?”

It started off in the parking lot after a hike with friends.  A young couple and their toddler were standing near their SUV as I began to back up.  They cautiously moved to the side with their child, and I made a mental note of the good parenting skills that they had exhibited.  But when my car was finally almost all of the way out, I saw them darting right behind the trunk of my car, inches from where I was positioned.  They literally sprinted to get behind my car, as if they wanted to get hit.

The second contestant presented himself two minutes later: an elderly man walking against traffic on a one-way road, positioning himself to the left-of-center side of the street.  As he came more fully into view, I noticed that he was actually walking towards the center of the road, despite this particular stretch of land being nothing but desert and mountain preserve, with no notable features (bathroom, parking lot, rest area, trash can, pet without a leash, etc) on either side.  He stared directly at my car, and as I could not honk my horn and swerve around him in time, I performed the latter task, running slightly off of the road.  He then proceeded to yell and curse at me.  Perhaps I was meant to hit him.

Ten minutes later, I was looking for a spot in the parking lot of a restaurant that my friends had decided to meet at for lunch.  A couple stood on the sidewalk, watching cars pass by and taking notice of my vehicle.  They looked right at my vehicle, and as I made a turn, they ran out and almost sprinted right into the hood of the car.

Four minutes after lunch, a slow-moving bird almost smacked itself against my windshield.

Twenty minutes after that, a bicyclist disregarded a light that had been red for him for at least ten seconds and almost plowed into the driver-side door of the car as I passed through the intersection on a green light.

Seven minutes later, a cat dashed out from my neighbor’s yard and almost caught itself under the front right tire as I went to park in the driveway.

If I had to pick a winner, I’d say that the elderly fellow came the closest.  But really, besides there being an invisible reality show contest that I’m not aware of, what other excuse could there possibly be?

I mean, I’m not that bad at driving.  I hope.

Corporate uniformity can be a good thing – it leverages expectations so consumers can anticipate consistent repeat experiences, creates a strong brand identity, and provides a solid infrastructure for operations.  It’s what makes chain restaurants and department stores so successful, and what keeps their customers coming back for more.

Of course, none of this matters if your corporation is uniformly shitty.

Over the past decade, my friends and I have realized that no matter where we are or what we do, there will always be one constant in our lives: Papa John’s Pizza locations will be managed and staffed by some of the most incompetent, hateful, possibly-insane, grumpy and borderline-racist people on the planet.  And It’s not just limited to one location, either:

- TULSA, OKLAHOMA -

It all began during my Sophomore year of college.  I was at my work-study job of being the front desk attendant for my dorm, and two hours into a six-hour shift.  It was late, and my tummy was making the rumblies.  So, I called up to Papa John’s, conveniently located across the street from campus.  I’d never called them to place an order before (it had always been through some intermediary, like a professor, roommate or organization), so I got to experience the joy of setting up an “account” with the place.  My only request was that they use the front door and call my cell phone, as I would not be in my room.  It was supposed to take 35 minutes.  I sat myself at a perfect spot to watch both doors to the building, and see out most of the windows.

An hour went by without any word.  I called.  They claimed that the delivery person had been by.  I reiterated that I would be in the lobby, and that he should come to the front entrance, not the back residential one.  They said that he would be sent back out.  Another hour passed, and I called again, requesting the manager.

“He came by twice and you weren’t there,” he growled.

“Did he say he went to the lobby?” I asked.  ”I said specifically that I would not be in the residential part.”

The manager exploded.  ”This guy’s one of my best drivers!  been working for me for years!  And you’re calling him a liar?!  F[censored] you!”

At this point, I cancelled my order.  And when I got back to my room, I found two messages from the delivery guy saying that he was waiting at the back of the building.

- WASHINGTON, DC -

I came home from work to find two Papa John’s deliverymen arguing with the front desk attendant at my apartment building (apparently, Papa John’s employees are not fans of front desks in lobbies), cursing and threatening to call the police.  I shot a sympathetic look at the desk attendant, and he quickly performed the universal gesture for “these folks are crazy.”

When I got upstairs, my roommate was eating a Papa John’s pizza and explained that apparently, they’d delivered the wrong pizza, which he accepted.  However, they were late with their delivery and didn’t offer to correct the order.  Compounded on top of this was the fact that there was a pre-made delivery charge on the order (we lived about three blocks away), which led to him not tipping the driver.  Apparently, because he overpaid and didn’t tip on top of that, the driver (and his assistant, we guessed) decided that the best course of action would be to yell at the fellow at the front desk to our building and threaten police action.

- WASHINGTON, DC: PART 2 -

Six months later, my roommate again received the wrong order (one medium pizza instead of two larges), but was this time charged the right amount.  As he had been waiting for over ninety minutes, he paid and ate anyway.  The owner of the establishment called him up to ask why he had taken someone else’s order.

The owner immediately launched into a string of obscenities and slurs that are far too inappropriate for this blog (one included a racial slur referring to black people, despite the fact that my roommate is not, to the best of our knowledge, black), demanding appropriate compensation and threatening legal action.

This was a different location than the one mentioned in the previous story, by the way.

- PHOENIX, ARIZONA -

Ordered pizza.  Was charged for pizza.  Pizza never arrived.  Called to complain.  Was called a liar and hung up on.  At this point, it’s just par for the course.  At this point, any chance of me giving money to this business again is a solid 0%.

—

A single bad experience will sour many people on ever repeating something, be it an activity, visiting a location, eating a certain type of food, or patronizing a place of business.  But when franchises come into play, it’s a bit trickier to determine if the reason that one holds disdain for a business is due to the company itself or a particular owner.  It takes longer to make the same decision that a single bad experience would lead to in a fraction of the time.  It’s confusing and exponentially more difficult to quantify.

Still, there’s something to be said for uniformity, right?

“Man, the parking here is shit,” I said to my friend as we continued past the sixth full lot in the park and made a U-turn to double back.  ”It almost seems like we’ll have more of a hike to and from the car.”

“Hopefully not.” he replied, milliseconds before his eyes dashed across the road and his arm shot up to point.  ”THERE!  SPOT!  SPOT!”

I pulled my car into the spot and we hopped out, ready to start our Sunday midday hike.  It was 70 degrees and sunny out with a slight breeze, and aside from the dozens of vehicles and a veritable army of lycra-wearing women and shirtless dudes in gym shorts with Ray-Bans and iPods strapped to their arms, it was peaceful and serene.  We stretched our legs a bit, grabbed our water bottles, and made our way to the starting point of the trail.

DO NOT STRAY FROM THE PATH.  DOING SO CAUSES EROSION.  The sign at the foot of the mountain said.  DO NOT LITTER.  THERE WILL BE A FINE.

And with that, we set off.

It’s at this point that I feel that I should mention that the last time that I went on any sort of hike was well over two years ago, and there’s a very good reason for that.  My natural awkwardness and lack of outward stability makes going over rugged terrain less than ideal.  Put me on a flat track or even a cross-country path and I’ll be fine.  But real, honest-to-goodness hiking and going uphill and looking over the side whilst remembering that I have a fear of falling from heights?  There might be trouble.

The two of us went at a leisurely pace, allowing the quicker and more experienced hikers to go ahead of us.  And by “quicker and more experienced hikers,” I don’t mean just the shirtless guys who were sprinting uphill and showing off their abs or their lycra-clad girlfriends leaping from rock to rock like spandexed mountain goats, but fifty-somethings, elementary school kids, and in one particular case, a dog.  It was at this point that I realized that I might not be in ideal physical shape.

No, that probably was around when I thought that we were near the top, only to realize that the halfway marker was still further up along the trail.

Or maybe it was the time that I needed to take a break, which went from a 30-second rest and stretch session to 5 minutes of mild nausea.

Oh, wait, now I remember!  It was that time that I thought that we were near the top, but it turned out that there was about 1/3 of the trail left to go.

Wait, maybe it was when the family of four passed us.  Twice.  ”Look guys, we’re passing those teenagers again!” the father exclaimed.  I was too winded to correct him.

By the time we were closing in on the fifth potential peak of the mountain, we had made several astute observations: (1) The mountain was like Lord of the Rings: Return of the King – too many false endings. (2) If this wasn’t the actual peak, it would be. (3) If this was the actual peak, woo hoo! (4) Someone should build an elevator into the side of the mountain.  And, with less than 200 feet and one steep incline to go, I stopped.

“Go on without me,” I said, in a tone I imagine sounded like the wounded marine with two grenades and one clip left in his gun in every sci-fi movie ever.  ”I think this is a good place to stop.”

My friend tried to argue.  ”But you can see the top from here!  It’s not that far!  You can make it!”

Unfortunately, my legs felt like limp noodles.  So, after a bit of back-and-forth, I convinced him to go on ahead.

After a couple of minutes (and about a dozen hikers) had passed, something strange happened.  My legs started to move of their own volition, and I found myself hiking up to the peak.  I don’t know how it happened, or where the energy came from.  But less than two minutes later, I found myself looking out on the city, stretched out on the other side of the mountain preserve:

We sat on the mountain among the other hikers, admiring the view and relaxing, basking in a rather minuscule accomplishment, but a satisfying one at that.  It was nice to reach the top and not have to worry about climbing any higher.

Now all we had to do was go back down.

I’m writing this from the terribly swank, possibly million-dollar vacation rental in San Francisco that I’m sharing with a half-dozen friends from high school.  As a direct result of this, there will be no post today.  Expect a report (and the normal posting schedule) to resume on Monday.

Have a great weekend, everybody!

I’ve been quite coughy and wheezy lately (not Weezy), so I worked from home today and took various medications and naps.  As a result, my brain’s been going to some pretty strange places.  Here’s a few snippets:

• That thing I said about Bruno Mars?  Forget it.  That new song of his, it’s like he’s looking for an excuse for suicide.  How will jumping in front of a train stop it?  You want to push someone out of the way!  And throwing his hand on a blade?  That’s just deliberate.  Dude is either depressed or masochistic now.  Maybe his method failed.
• According to the Internet, apple cider vinegar mixed with a bit of water is one of the best ways to relieve clogged sinuses and get mucus out of the throat.  It’s worth a shot.
• I discover too late that the Internet is full of jerks.  My sinuses are a bit clearer though.
• I’ve been on Tim Ferriss‘ slow-carb diet for three weeks and I’ve lost seven pounds.  The good news: my face looks thinner.  The bad news: my stomach looks about the same.  Actually, I’ve lost weight everywhere except my belly.  Maybe it’s ashamed about the condition of my abs.
• Wouldn’t it be awesome to own a horse as your primary mode of transportation?  No insurance, drunk people thinking you’re a centaur, and the fact that your employer would have to accommodate stables for your majestic creature – all seems pretty cool.  Aside from the copious amounts of horse poo.
• Wow, that movie Funny People is pretty good.  Could have used more stand-up bits and less Adam Sandler marriage-destruction, though.
• Consumer Reports did a comparison between LCD TVs and Plasma TVs.  Holy crap, when did CR get so biased?  Seriously, it’s like they get kickbacks on every Plasma sold or something.  Sheesh.
• Prediction: The Verizon iPhone will be successful for a few weeks, then experience massive return quantities as everyone who bought one comes to the realization that there will be another new iPhone out in June.
• A partial list of things my sore-throated voice has been compared to today: a bag of rocks in a washing machine, the death rattle of an old frog, Barry White with laryngitis, a sick cat, the tires of an F-150 going over a gravel road, something from the eighth (outer) circle of Hell, Katy Perry.
• Since when did ‘lozenge’ become an antiquated term?  It’s about fifteen gazillion times better than ‘cough drop.’
• The things that I liked 10 years ago now seem shameful.  My taste in movies, TV and music was beyond shitty.  Then again, I think everyone can say that about themselves every 10 years or so.
• After much consideration, I’ve determined that the time that I’m the meanest to other people is when driving.  I will curse, gesture, and think evil thoughts at the faceless drivers around me who don’t use turn signals or cut me off or almost side-swipe my car.  It’s sort of like the Internet.
• Poked around on Facebook and discovered that over 90% of the girls I’ve gone out with over the past three years are still with the people they started dating after me.  It’s like Good Luck Chuck, except without the sex.
• In the above metaphor, I am Dane Cook.  This terrifies me.
• I get a solicitation text after 11:00 PM.  I write an angry email and threaten legal action.
• Have you seen the Kiva keychain backpack?  I ordered mine a while back and it came in a week after it was supposed to, but dang, this thing is cool.  And it folds up to the size of a deck of cards!  If only I needed a somewhat-flimsy backpack for everyday things…
• The chili I made yesterday is even better now that it’s sat in the refrigerator for a day.  Oh technology!  Is there anything you can’t do?
• Got my thank-you note from RAINN today.  I have to remember to post that soon.
• My dog walked up to me while I was lying in bed, turned around, farted in my face, then left the room.  JUST THOUGHT YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT, INTERNET.
• Regardless of your feelings on religion or AJ Jacobs, you should read his book, The Year of Living Biblically.  I would go so far as to say that it’s a must-read.
• Also good: Cracked.com’s You Might Be A Zombie and Other Bad News
• Screw it, let’s make it a book trifecta.  Pre-ordered Jenny Blake’s book yet?
• See that subtle thing I did in the last link?  Clever, huh?
• You know what might be worse than drinking apple cider vinegar?  This herbal tea stuff that’s supposed to help my sore throat.  WHY DO I KEEP FOLLOWING THE INTERNET’S HEALTH ADVICE.

And on that note, I’m off to take some actual medicine.  Hope that you’re decidedly less sick (with illness, not in the I’m ill, not sick way) and enjoying your week!

It’s the end of the year, and as seems to be a habit on the Internet, everyone’s making top-10 lists.  They’re kind of a cop-out and a poor substitute for content that has any real substance.  So, here’s a bunch of ‘em!

Top 10 Vegetables of 2010

10. Corn – Bumped down a few spots from last year, mostly due to the incredibly dumb PR assumption that “Corn Sugar” sounds healthier than “Corn Syrup.”

9. Tomatoes – The FDA classifies them as a vegetable now, so this is totally okay.

8. Garlic – With the innovative “smush with the flat part of a knife to get the skin off quickly” method, this aromatic delight is making a comeback.

7. Celery – Despite rumors of a permanent breakup, a late-year reunion tour with peanut butter and raisins pushed this classic from “has-been” to retro cool.

6. Jalapeños - A good way to ward off spice-haters, this indie darling has received more accolades since it launched its mainstream side project, the chipotle.

4. (tie) Asparagus – Despite the less-than-positive side-effects, the nutritional value and pairing with bacon keep this star high on the list.

4. (tie) Carrots – Back on top after the weapon accusations from Shoot-’em-Up a few years ago, the Original Orange continues to dominate.

3. Onions – Holding down the #3 spot as ever, this mainstay can do no wrong.

2. Squash – Last year’s surprise winner takes a bit of a tumble after people realized pumpkin pie isn’t that tasty in the summer.

1. Sweet Potatoes – An unprecedented 20th win for this veg, its healthiness and deliciousness when compared with its starchy brethren has returned the king to its rightful throne.

Honorable Mentions: Bell peppers, Spinach, Green peas, Lettuce, Broccoli

Top 10 Letters of 2010

10. R

9. A

8. N

7. D

6. O

5. M

4. L

3. I

2. S

1. T

Top 10 Bloggers of 2010 (Gen-Y/Millennial/Stuff I Read Division)

Please note: Last year’s winners are ineligible.  There is no particular order for this list.

- Samantha Karol – Life Is Like A Box of Chocolates

- Jeremy Orr – Mr. Orr’s Classroom

- Mehnaz Thawer – Speak Softly and Carry a Red Pen

- Carlos Miceli – OwlSparks

- Susan Pogorzelski – Twenty (or) Something

- David Stehle – The Rest Is Still Unwritten

- J. Maureen Henderson – Generation Meh

- JR Moreau – Not So Literal

- Jen Woodall – Jenerally Speaking

- TO Polk – Runaway Truck Ramp

Honorable Mentions: If Ashley Campbell and Ellen Nordahl had made more updates this year, the list would probably have 12 people on it.

Top 10 TV Shows of 2010

10. Spartacus: Blood and Sand – The very definition of a guilty pleasure.  Over-the-top effects that even Syfy wouldn’t use, a surprisingly solid cast, more historical fact than one would care to admit, and an enjoyable storyline gave this show serious legs.

9. Archer – If you don’t think that this show is funny as all get-out, we can never be friends.

8. The Walking Dead – Maybe as a fan of the comics, I’m a bit biased, but dammit if this isn’t one of the best shows on television, especially considering most people call it “that zombie show.”

7. Terriers – Heir to the Cougar Town award for least-descriptive title for an excellent show, it came and went all too soon.

6. Better Off Ted – Take one part Arrested Development, another part Office Space, throw in crazy science stuff, and you have a series that squeaked by with two amazing seasons before it joined the “brilliant but cancelled” league.

5. How I Met Your Mother – Despite being in its fifth(!) and sixth(!!) seasons, HIMYM still finds new twists on old sitcom standbys and keeps the energy from its earlier years.

4. Parks and Recreation – Somehow, it’s possible: they out-Office-d The Office.

3. About 80% of the programming on the Cooking Channel – Actually talented cooks and chefs cooking actual food that looks good, without the catchphrases and distractions, so it’s like America’s Test Kitchen stretched out over a network? Yes, please!

2. Community – This is the best show on network television.  And you’re probably watching Glee.  Trust me, this is much better.

1. Mad Men – Improving on perfection for an utterly amazing, practically flawless fourth season, this should be required viewing for everyone, not just TV elitists, comedy writers and TV critics.

Top 10 Context-Free Words and Phrases  of 2010

10. Self

9. Acknowledges

8. Thine

7. Furtherance

6. In conjunction with

5. Tarrying hither

4. Joyous

3. Neoteric

2. Continuance of time

1. Upon all and sundry

What the heck are you doing reading this blog post?  You should be celebrating the holiday (or just Saturday) with family and friends.  After all, isn’t that what Christmas is all about?

Being raised in a non-Christmas-celebrating home, I gleaned my knowledge of its meaning from television and movies.  So as I understand it, the meaning of Christmas is that Jesus was born in a manger, then built Frosty the Snowman, helped Rudolph overcome his physical handicap, and enslaved a bunch of elves so that they would build toys for a rotund man who dresses in a red jumpsuit (with fur trim) and travels the globe at faster-than-light speeds while a little drummer boy provided the soundtrack, all so we could have peace on earth and good will towards all.  Somehow, sleigh bells are also involved.

Or something like that.

Happy Holiday(s)!

Sometimes, people will ask me blog-related questions in IMs, phone conversations, emails or in-person chats.  There have been a few patterns this year, so if you don’t mind my indulging in a bit of self-promotion, here’s the top 10 answers to your top 10 NMH-related questions, as chosen by people who I converse with about the blog and the spreadsheet of how many times I’ve been asked this stuff:

10. What happened to the Facebook Fan Page?

For those of you who are unaware, I terminated/killed/junked/trashed/got rid of the NMH Facebook Fan Page around a week after the RAINN/Abuse post.  There’s two reasons that I did that. (1) I wasn’t using the page anyway. It was just running updates from the NMH NetWorked Blogs page automatically.  I figured that it would be better to use my own blog page rather than set up a “For every person who joins, I’ll donate $1 to RAINN” group, as those have a history of not following though.  (2) I wasn’t doing the charity pledge for self-promotion, despite several accusations of doing just that – some of them from strangers, others from friends.  So rather than argue about it all the live-long day, I removed all potential self-promotion by removing the page.

And if you didn’t get to see it, the total amount raised was $162, which, thanks to RAINN’s sponsors, was doubled to $324.  They will be doubling all donations through to December 31; feel free to make your own donation by clicking here.

9. I heard you have a secret food blog.  Is that true?  And if so, where is it?

Yes, I do have a secret food blog.  It’s called Yell About Food – once a week, I share pictures (and sometimes recipes) for things I’ve cooked myself – they’re all made from scratch, or as close as I can get to it.  There’s also cussin’.  It’s basically what it would be like if Kanye West decided to take pictures of what he cooked and was also really angry all the time.

8. It seems like you’re slowly going insane with all the weird posts you’ve done lately.  Are you descending into madness?

Despite all evidence to the contrary, including 1,000+ words on Bruno Mars, fake ads, awkward cartoons and fables I made up, my brain is quite healthy.  At least according to the CAT scan I had four months ago.  As I discussed in this post, I don’t like seeing ideas repeated, and I want to have fun with the blog, so I’m creating whatever I feel like making.  And sometimes, that’s crazy stuff.

7. Are you going to make more videos?  I liked the one you did for the anniversary a while back.

Sadly, creating, shooting and editing videos, even ones as amateurish as the anniversary video, is a bit too time-consuming for me right now.  I’m of the belief that a video post should be dynamic and make use of the format; if I’m sitting in a chair, blabbing away, there’s no difference between that and you reading it on the page.  So there might be videos coming along if there’s something that can’t be said through writing alone.

6. Any life updates you haven’t mentioned on the blog yet?

Not really.  My job is still the same and I’m still a boomerang kid, but my financial situation is better.  If any of that changes significantly, it’ll be up here.

5. How do I join the illustrious, terrific NMH Awesome Guest Blogger Club? Can I join if I don’t have a blog?

Just ask me – email, Twitter, Facebook, however you want.  I’d be happy to post most anything you’ve got, as long as it’s good.  And being a blogger or having a blog is not necessary.

4. Any reason you stopped posting job search tips and stuff about joining the workforce?  You don’t seem to talk about that anymore.

I wrote most of my stuff regarding employment and getting adjusted to a workplace environment back when I was doing both of those things, so the advice and lessons were based on first-hand experience.  I’ve been at my current job for the majority of the year, so I’ve settled in.  And thankfully, I’m not in a position where I feel the need to search for another job.  If you’re looking for posts on that stuff, I strongly recommend the sites of friends of NMH Jenny Blake and Rich DeMatteo, two people with much better things to say on both topics.

3. Someone said you have music online.  What kind is it, and where can I find it?

Long-time readers will remember that a few years ago, I was working with a friend to start up a record label.  That didn’t exactly pan out, but I developed a knack for DJing, and after dropping the habit at about the time I left DC, I’ve picked it back up.  If you click here, you can get a (free!) copy of my latest mix, the track list, and a zip file with three original mashups I made.  It’s house/progressive/commercial/latin-flavored dance stuff, so get it if you want to shake your booty.

2. You’re quite handsome.  And intelligent.  And ridiculously clever.

Oh crap, that’s my daily affirmation.  Here’s the real #2 question:

Any plans to move beyond blogging, into other writing formats?  Or have you had stuff published that I’m not aware of?

Depending on how you look at it, I’ve already been published.  As detailed in this post, I wrote about 1/3 of a book on body language, but did not receive any credit or mentions relating to my work on it (though I did get paid for my work, so I suppose that was at the discretion of the author).  I’m also in an ebook or two floating around online somewhere, and I contributed a couple of tidbits for a new book by the previously mentioned classy and talented queen of all cupcakes, Jenny Blake.  As for other writing projects? There may be some stuff in the works…stay tuned.

And now…the final – and most-asked – question! Drumroll please!

1. Why don’t you blog about dating, your love life, sex, or any of that stuff?

If there’s ever been a question I could use to illustrate the double-standard of relationship-related blog content, this would be it.  But sadly, it wouldn’t help my case.  The reason that I don’t really talk about any of my romantic endeavors is twofold: because I’m just jumping back in, and because I don’t think that this blog is the best venue for it.

In the case of the former, it’s a bit difficult to go out on many dates when you went bankrupt and moved back in with Mom and Dad all before your 23rd birthday.  Now, while it’s completely possible that one could do such a thing, I’ve been of the philosophy that you should be happy and content with yourself before trying to get seriously involved with anyone.  So I took some time off to get myself sorted out, both personally and financially.  As a result of this, I don’t have too many good stories yet.

In the case of the latter, it’s that when discussing any relationship-related stuff, I launch into a different kind of story mode, that lends itself more to a verbal recollection, or one that doesn’t jibe with what I want to do for this blog.  Of course, I’m always open to guest-posting about it, like I did for Sharalyn on her blog, which you can find here.  Or, you could always ask me about the Thursday night road trip, the dreaded tree, or the strange public park situation.

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So what have we learned here today?

Well, it’s pretty clear that I bow to peer pressure and that I’ve got a few secret side projects out there.  It’s not too hard to do a guest post for this blog (unless it’s about relationships), and there probably won’t be any videos any time soon.  I literally wrote the book on body language (some of it, anyway), and there’s no amazingly life-changing developments going on right now.  And, as a great man once said, sometimes, a little brain damage can help.

Oh, and to the one person who asked: yes, there is alt-text on almost every image on this blog, going back to the beginning.