Needle, Meet Haystack

“Man, the parking here is shit,” I said to my friend as we continued past the sixth full lot in the park and made a U-turn to double back.  ”It almost seems like we’ll have more of a hike to and from the car.”

“Hopefully not.” he replied, milliseconds before his eyes dashed across the road and his arm shot up to point.  ”THERE!  SPOT!  SPOT!”

I pulled my car into the spot and we hopped out, ready to start our Sunday midday hike.  It was 70 degrees and sunny out with a slight breeze, and aside from the dozens of vehicles and a veritable army of lycra-wearing women and shirtless dudes in gym shorts with Ray-Bans and iPods strapped to their arms, it was peaceful and serene.  We stretched our legs a bit, grabbed our water bottles, and made our way to the starting point of the trail.

DO NOT STRAY FROM THE PATH.  DOING SO CAUSES EROSION.  The sign at the foot of the mountain said.  DO NOT LITTER.  THERE WILL BE A FINE.

And with that, we set off.

It’s at this point that I feel that I should mention that the last time that I went on any sort of hike was well over two years ago, and there’s a very good reason for that.  My natural awkwardness and lack of outward stability makes going over rugged terrain less than ideal.  Put me on a flat track or even a cross-country path and I’ll be fine.  But real, honest-to-goodness hiking and going uphill and looking over the side whilst remembering that I have a fear of falling from heights?  There might be trouble.

The two of us went at a leisurely pace, allowing the quicker and more experienced hikers to go ahead of us.  And by “quicker and more experienced hikers,” I don’t mean just the shirtless guys who were sprinting uphill and showing off their abs or their lycra-clad girlfriends leaping from rock to rock like spandexed mountain goats, but fifty-somethings, elementary school kids, and in one particular case, a dog.  It was at this point that I realized that I might not be in ideal physical shape.

No, that probably was around when I thought that we were near the top, only to realize that the halfway marker was still further up along the trail.

Or maybe it was the time that I needed to take a break, which went from a 30-second rest and stretch session to 5 minutes of mild nausea.

Oh, wait, now I remember!  It was that time that I thought that we were near the top, but it turned out that there was about 1/3 of the trail left to go.

Wait, maybe it was when the family of four passed us.  Twice.  ”Look guys, we’re passing those teenagers again!” the father exclaimed.  I was too winded to correct him.

By the time we were closing in on the fifth potential peak of the mountain, we had made several astute observations: (1) The mountain was like Lord of the Rings: Return of the King – too many false endings. (2) If this wasn’t the actual peak, it would be. (3) If this was the actual peak, woo hoo! (4) Someone should build an elevator into the side of the mountain.  And, with less than 200 feet and one steep incline to go, I stopped.

“Go on without me,” I said, in a tone I imagine sounded like the wounded marine with two grenades and one clip left in his gun in every sci-fi movie ever.  ”I think this is a good place to stop.”

My friend tried to argue.  ”But you can see the top from here!  It’s not that far!  You can make it!”

Unfortunately, my legs felt like limp noodles.  So, after a bit of back-and-forth, I convinced him to go on ahead.

After a couple of minutes (and about a dozen hikers) had passed, something strange happened.  My legs started to move of their own volition, and I found myself hiking up to the peak.  I don’t know how it happened, or where the energy came from.  But less than two minutes later, I found myself looking out on the city, stretched out on the other side of the mountain preserve:

We sat on the mountain among the other hikers, admiring the view and relaxing, basking in a rather minuscule accomplishment, but a satisfying one at that.  It was nice to reach the top and not have to worry about climbing any higher.

Now all we had to do was go back down.

I’ve been quite coughy and wheezy lately (not Weezy), so I worked from home today and took various medications and naps.  As a result, my brain’s been going to some pretty strange places.  Here’s a few snippets:

• That thing I said about Bruno Mars?  Forget it.  That new song of his, it’s like he’s looking for an excuse for suicide.  How will jumping in front of a train stop it?  You want to push someone out of the way!  And throwing his hand on a blade?  That’s just deliberate.  Dude is either depressed or masochistic now.  Maybe his method failed.
• According to the Internet, apple cider vinegar mixed with a bit of water is one of the best ways to relieve clogged sinuses and get mucus out of the throat.  It’s worth a shot.
• I discover too late that the Internet is full of jerks.  My sinuses are a bit clearer though.
• I’ve been on Tim Ferriss‘ slow-carb diet for three weeks and I’ve lost seven pounds.  The good news: my face looks thinner.  The bad news: my stomach looks about the same.  Actually, I’ve lost weight everywhere except my belly.  Maybe it’s ashamed about the condition of my abs.
• Wouldn’t it be awesome to own a horse as your primary mode of transportation?  No insurance, drunk people thinking you’re a centaur, and the fact that your employer would have to accommodate stables for your majestic creature – all seems pretty cool.  Aside from the copious amounts of horse poo.
• Wow, that movie Funny People is pretty good.  Could have used more stand-up bits and less Adam Sandler marriage-destruction, though.
• Consumer Reports did a comparison between LCD TVs and Plasma TVs.  Holy crap, when did CR get so biased?  Seriously, it’s like they get kickbacks on every Plasma sold or something.  Sheesh.
• Prediction: The Verizon iPhone will be successful for a few weeks, then experience massive return quantities as everyone who bought one comes to the realization that there will be another new iPhone out in June.
• A partial list of things my sore-throated voice has been compared to today: a bag of rocks in a washing machine, the death rattle of an old frog, Barry White with laryngitis, a sick cat, the tires of an F-150 going over a gravel road, something from the eighth (outer) circle of Hell, Katy Perry.
• Since when did ‘lozenge’ become an antiquated term?  It’s about fifteen gazillion times better than ‘cough drop.’
• The things that I liked 10 years ago now seem shameful.  My taste in movies, TV and music was beyond shitty.  Then again, I think everyone can say that about themselves every 10 years or so.
• After much consideration, I’ve determined that the time that I’m the meanest to other people is when driving.  I will curse, gesture, and think evil thoughts at the faceless drivers around me who don’t use turn signals or cut me off or almost side-swipe my car.  It’s sort of like the Internet.
• Poked around on Facebook and discovered that over 90% of the girls I’ve gone out with over the past three years are still with the people they started dating after me.  It’s like Good Luck Chuck, except without the sex.
• In the above metaphor, I am Dane Cook.  This terrifies me.
• I get a solicitation text after 11:00 PM.  I write an angry email and threaten legal action.
• Have you seen the Kiva keychain backpack?  I ordered mine a while back and it came in a week after it was supposed to, but dang, this thing is cool.  And it folds up to the size of a deck of cards!  If only I needed a somewhat-flimsy backpack for everyday things…
• The chili I made yesterday is even better now that it’s sat in the refrigerator for a day.  Oh technology!  Is there anything you can’t do?
• Got my thank-you note from RAINN today.  I have to remember to post that soon.
• My dog walked up to me while I was lying in bed, turned around, farted in my face, then left the room.  JUST THOUGHT YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT, INTERNET.
• Regardless of your feelings on religion or AJ Jacobs, you should read his book, The Year of Living Biblically.  I would go so far as to say that it’s a must-read.
• Also good: Cracked.com’s You Might Be A Zombie and Other Bad News
• Screw it, let’s make it a book trifecta.  Pre-ordered Jenny Blake’s book yet?
• See that subtle thing I did in the last link?  Clever, huh?
• You know what might be worse than drinking apple cider vinegar?  This herbal tea stuff that’s supposed to help my sore throat.  WHY DO I KEEP FOLLOWING THE INTERNET’S HEALTH ADVICE.

And on that note, I’m off to take some actual medicine.  Hope that you’re decidedly less sick (with illness, not in the I’m ill, not sick way) and enjoying your week!

Sometimes, people will ask me blog-related questions in IMs, phone conversations, emails or in-person chats.  There have been a few patterns this year, so if you don’t mind my indulging in a bit of self-promotion, here’s the top 10 answers to your top 10 NMH-related questions, as chosen by people who I converse with about the blog and the spreadsheet of how many times I’ve been asked this stuff:

10. What happened to the Facebook Fan Page?

For those of you who are unaware, I terminated/killed/junked/trashed/got rid of the NMH Facebook Fan Page around a week after the RAINN/Abuse post.  There’s two reasons that I did that. (1) I wasn’t using the page anyway. It was just running updates from the NMH NetWorked Blogs page automatically.  I figured that it would be better to use my own blog page rather than set up a “For every person who joins, I’ll donate $1 to RAINN” group, as those have a history of not following though.  (2) I wasn’t doing the charity pledge for self-promotion, despite several accusations of doing just that – some of them from strangers, others from friends.  So rather than argue about it all the live-long day, I removed all potential self-promotion by removing the page.

And if you didn’t get to see it, the total amount raised was $162, which, thanks to RAINN’s sponsors, was doubled to $324.  They will be doubling all donations through to December 31; feel free to make your own donation by clicking here.

9. I heard you have a secret food blog.  Is that true?  And if so, where is it?

Yes, I do have a secret food blog.  It’s called Yell About Food – once a week, I share pictures (and sometimes recipes) for things I’ve cooked myself – they’re all made from scratch, or as close as I can get to it.  There’s also cussin’.  It’s basically what it would be like if Kanye West decided to take pictures of what he cooked and was also really angry all the time.

8. It seems like you’re slowly going insane with all the weird posts you’ve done lately.  Are you descending into madness?

Despite all evidence to the contrary, including 1,000+ words on Bruno Mars, fake ads, awkward cartoons and fables I made up, my brain is quite healthy.  At least according to the CAT scan I had four months ago.  As I discussed in this post, I don’t like seeing ideas repeated, and I want to have fun with the blog, so I’m creating whatever I feel like making.  And sometimes, that’s crazy stuff.

7. Are you going to make more videos?  I liked the one you did for the anniversary a while back.

Sadly, creating, shooting and editing videos, even ones as amateurish as the anniversary video, is a bit too time-consuming for me right now.  I’m of the belief that a video post should be dynamic and make use of the format; if I’m sitting in a chair, blabbing away, there’s no difference between that and you reading it on the page.  So there might be videos coming along if there’s something that can’t be said through writing alone.

6. Any life updates you haven’t mentioned on the blog yet?

Not really.  My job is still the same and I’m still a boomerang kid, but my financial situation is better.  If any of that changes significantly, it’ll be up here.

5. How do I join the illustrious, terrific NMH Awesome Guest Blogger Club? Can I join if I don’t have a blog?

Just ask me – email, Twitter, Facebook, however you want.  I’d be happy to post most anything you’ve got, as long as it’s good.  And being a blogger or having a blog is not necessary.

4. Any reason you stopped posting job search tips and stuff about joining the workforce?  You don’t seem to talk about that anymore.

I wrote most of my stuff regarding employment and getting adjusted to a workplace environment back when I was doing both of those things, so the advice and lessons were based on first-hand experience.  I’ve been at my current job for the majority of the year, so I’ve settled in.  And thankfully, I’m not in a position where I feel the need to search for another job.  If you’re looking for posts on that stuff, I strongly recommend the sites of friends of NMH Jenny Blake and Rich DeMatteo, two people with much better things to say on both topics.

3. Someone said you have music online.  What kind is it, and where can I find it?

Long-time readers will remember that a few years ago, I was working with a friend to start up a record label.  That didn’t exactly pan out, but I developed a knack for DJing, and after dropping the habit at about the time I left DC, I’ve picked it back up.  If you click here, you can get a (free!) copy of my latest mix, the track list, and a zip file with three original mashups I made.  It’s house/progressive/commercial/latin-flavored dance stuff, so get it if you want to shake your booty.

2. You’re quite handsome.  And intelligent.  And ridiculously clever.

Oh crap, that’s my daily affirmation.  Here’s the real #2 question:

Any plans to move beyond blogging, into other writing formats?  Or have you had stuff published that I’m not aware of?

Depending on how you look at it, I’ve already been published.  As detailed in this post, I wrote about 1/3 of a book on body language, but did not receive any credit or mentions relating to my work on it (though I did get paid for my work, so I suppose that was at the discretion of the author).  I’m also in an ebook or two floating around online somewhere, and I contributed a couple of tidbits for a new book by the previously mentioned classy and talented queen of all cupcakes, Jenny Blake.  As for other writing projects? There may be some stuff in the works…stay tuned.

And now…the final – and most-asked – question! Drumroll please!

1. Why don’t you blog about dating, your love life, sex, or any of that stuff?

If there’s ever been a question I could use to illustrate the double-standard of relationship-related blog content, this would be it.  But sadly, it wouldn’t help my case.  The reason that I don’t really talk about any of my romantic endeavors is twofold: because I’m just jumping back in, and because I don’t think that this blog is the best venue for it.

In the case of the former, it’s a bit difficult to go out on many dates when you went bankrupt and moved back in with Mom and Dad all before your 23rd birthday.  Now, while it’s completely possible that one could do such a thing, I’ve been of the philosophy that you should be happy and content with yourself before trying to get seriously involved with anyone.  So I took some time off to get myself sorted out, both personally and financially.  As a result of this, I don’t have too many good stories yet.

In the case of the latter, it’s that when discussing any relationship-related stuff, I launch into a different kind of story mode, that lends itself more to a verbal recollection, or one that doesn’t jibe with what I want to do for this blog.  Of course, I’m always open to guest-posting about it, like I did for Sharalyn on her blog, which you can find here.  Or, you could always ask me about the Thursday night road trip, the dreaded tree, or the strange public park situation.

—–

So what have we learned here today?

Well, it’s pretty clear that I bow to peer pressure and that I’ve got a few secret side projects out there.  It’s not too hard to do a guest post for this blog (unless it’s about relationships), and there probably won’t be any videos any time soon.  I literally wrote the book on body language (some of it, anyway), and there’s no amazingly life-changing developments going on right now.  And, as a great man once said, sometimes, a little brain damage can help.

Oh, and to the one person who asked: yes, there is alt-text on almost every image on this blog, going back to the beginning.

Have you ever had one of those days where no matter how busy you seem, you’ve still got some free time?  One of my co-workers found himself in that precarious situation the other day, and instead of just bumming around on the Internet, he discovered a new talent: free-form paper snowflake cutting!

Here’s a few of my favorites, which he’s been churning out at a pretty rapid clip almost every day this month:

Please excuse the shoddy photo quality; I was using the camera on my dumbphone.  Because honestly, I didn’t expect the guy two cubicles over to be a master at creating stuff like this.  But it’s nice to discover that even if you see someone every day, they still have hidden talents that they want to share with you that have nothing to do with the office.

Unfortunately, I’ve had to cut a few corners regarding the blog this year due to a lack of sufficient funds.  But fear not!  There’s a veritable army of advertisers champing at the bit who want a piece of NMH action.  So without further ado, here’s a word from our sponsors…

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• You just got out of a relationship
• You’re “focused on you” right now
• High standards
• Not really looking
• Too much time at the office
• Sheer laziness
• Foot fungus

And it always seems like you’re surrounded by couples, doesn’t it?  And when you have to go to the office holiday party, visit the parents, or even go shopping for last-minute gifts, don’t you wish that you had someone, too?  Well, now you can!

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• Convince your parents you won’t die alone!
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• Prove to Grandma that you’re not a lesbian!
• Prove to Grandma that  you are a lesbian!
• Distract former classmates from your lack of personal accomplishments at the next class reunion!
• Make your ex look horrible by comparison!
• Make your actual partner look great by comparison!
• Dancing!
• Someone to spend time with besides the friends from high school you don’t see any more except for around the holidays!
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• Building homes for orphans in third-world countries
• Astronaut training
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PLEASE NOTE: This is a made-up service.  For the love of all that’s holy, don’t actually try to do this.  Please.

I’ve been a bit grumpy lately.  It has nothing to do with any one thing, but is instead a general sense of malaise that seems to have crept up over the past few weeks.  It’s more of a feeling of irritation.  But nonetheless, I was determined to find the root of the problem, and over the past weekend, I did.

See, it’s not me that is the source of all of these woes.  No, it’s five very specific types of people, who, consciously or not, have managed to turn my usually sunny disposition into a scowl.  But I’m going to out these very people on this blog right now, and maybe you’ll understand why I’ve been so ticked off.

The Non-Laugher

This is how it starts:

Can’t you just laugh?  Or smirk?  Chortle?  Anything?  This comment is akin to a preschooler saying, “That’s so funny I forgot to laugh.”  It’s insulting to the joke-teller, and even to you.  And it just hangs there, leading to this little situation playing out in my head:

See, now that’s funny.

The Voicemail-Phobe

Voicemail is a great invention.  The digital child of the answering machine, it lets you leave messages longer than a text for a person you want to speak to.  I don’t understand why so many people cannot grasp this concept.  They just figure that any message left for them should never be looked into.

All you need to do is press and hold the “1″ button on your cell phone, then listen.  It’s not complicated.

The Interviewee

Have you ever had a conversation with someone that starts off well enough, but then you slowly realize that they’re answering your questions without asking you any?  They might ask you a quick one, but it’s only so it looks like they’re interested.  I recently tried an experiment with someone who does this: I didn’t ask anything after they stopped talking.  Nobody said anything for damn near 30 seconds, until I couldn’t take it any more.  Sometimes, it’s nice to be asked about how your day was.  These people will never ask you that.

THIS IS A TRAP.  DO NOT FALL INTO THE TRAP.  THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FALL INTO THEIR TRAP.

…and you’re right back where you started…

The Inconsiderate IMer

I use instant messaging at the office very frequently.  This allows me to chat with people from other departments, offices, and even some friends.  Unfortunately, I’ve seen that many people have the habit of doing this:

You should at least be courteous enough to put a line or two in there before signing off.  Not cool, guys.

Finally, we have the worst of the worst…

The Open-Mouth Chewer

This practice is only acceptable for small children, pets, and the elderly.  Everyone else: this is inexcusable.  It’s disgusting.  It’s annoying.  It’s flat-out awful.

I once had a little sign that said, “Smile.  It’s the second-best thing that you can do with your lips.”  The first thing?  Using them to keep your mouth closed when chewing.

It starts off innocently enough, with the perpetrator unaware of their heinous infraction.

But over time, it gets worse and worse, until my fist clenches so hard that it bursts into flames, as this chart illustrates:

And if I had my way, every frickin’ jerk who munches at a higher decibel level than a 747 would get an uppercut from my fiery hate fist:

So if I seem to be a little on edge, do a quick check to make sure that you haven’t done any of these things.  Because according to my weekend findings, people in any of these groups are the source of all of the pain, discomfort and misery in the world.  Or at least the source of a good deal of aggravation.

I’ve been out of the advertising advertising game for a while now, having moved to more marketing-specific aspects (there is a difference, don’t ask).  As a result of this, I’ve been a little rusty, but decided a while ago that I should freelance or work on updating my portfolio or something.  And just as I was thinking this the other day, I found out that GoDaddy.com is offering a prize for the best fan-made ads.

GoDaddy, if you’re unfamiliar with the company, is a domain name provider who enjoys showing non-sequitur commercials that push their products and services less in favor of, well, other things.  Like this one.  Or this one.  Or this one.  It’s less highbrow or big-concept and more, well, huge tracts of land.  There’s no cleverness, no subtlety, and nothing more than the lowest common denominator appealing to base instincts on a one-dimensional message.

But still, I wouldn’t mind the extra scrilla, and maybe doing a good enough job at it would net me a solid portfolio piece, or even some industry contacts.  So I dusted off all the cobwebs in my brain and shooed the apathetic and lazy spiders of disinterest out of my ears so I could start thinking up concepts for something to appease the cheesecake-happy voting committee.

The problem with forcing ideas down to the level that I felt GoDaddy was looking for is that doing so can often lead to some strange places.  I kept an outline of my brainstorming session, which was as follows:

• The overly obvious middle school entendres or sexist ideas get thrown out immediately – too obvious.  Instead, it’s all about appealing to that instinct.  Maybe do the whole thing in reverse?
• Wasn’t there that Porn For Women book about guys being all domesticated and such…maybe something like that?
• Or take it as a more direct mirror, and have dudes in the skimpy clothes, dancing around in short shorts, showing off their moobs and whatnot.
• Well, that’s dangerously close to Family Guy territory.  Speaking of which, doesn’t that Oatmeal guy have a website about that?
• Yeah, he does.
• I should really go work out.  Otherwise, I might end up on that site.  Been baking too much stuff.
• Okay, back to the GoDaddy thing – maybe overuse entendres past the point of recognition – make it so there’s a lot of miscommunication and awkward phrasing.  Nahh, that might confuse me.
• Oh man, I totally said something today that probably was taken as a double entendre.  No wonder the people at the post office were looking at me funny.
• Oh crap, I wanted to pick up some of those Simpsons stamps.  Nuts.
• Speaking of nuts, I should grab some almonds the next time I go to the grocery store.
• Hmm, I wonder if nuts could be one of the entendres?  This isn’t supposed to be classy, after all.
• Wow, if I post this, it’ll be kind of like the Give a Mouse a Cookie post.
• Dang, I could really go for a cookie.  Wait, that’s like how the book is…
• Then again, that’s how my brain works.
• Maybe like the scenes from the first Austin Powers with the creative obstructions?
• No, that won’t work.  Something simpler.
• …Great.  Now I’m thinking of those really bad Simple Jack parts of Tropic Thunder.
• Maybe I should see Robert Downey, Jr.’s new movie.  Then again, I fail to see how that will provide inspiration.
• Geez, when did brainstorming get so difficult?

This was the first minute.  It continued on for another 10 like this until I realized that maybe I wasn’t the right kind of entrant for the contest.  I was thinking too much.

It’s easy to think that something is easy or simple, especially if you don’t like it.  But sometimes, it’s actually more difficult to work with, especially if you can’t get your brain to slow down.

-10 hours: Blogger realizes that he/she has to put something up for the next day, begins brainstorming.

-9.9 hours: Brainstorming continues.

-9.75 hours: Brainstorming continues.  With booze!

-9.5 hours: A post begins to take shape.  The blogger is happy with how things are turning out.

-9.35 hours: Blog post hits a road block, in the form of a derailed train of thought, a bathroom break, or an empty booze vessel.

-9.3 hours: Blogger scrambles to find their original point.

-9.28 hours: Original point is found. It no longer has anything to do with the post. Blogger softly weeps.

-9.25 hours: Twitter and Facebook break!

-9.2 hours: Back to the post!  Time to get things done!

-9.13 hours: INTERNET CRASH.  Blogger was writing things within their browser. All is lost. Blogger weeps for a second time, but with more sobbing.

-9.1 hours: Additional booze consumption.

-9 hours: Blogger attempts to re-write post, half-assing certain sections due to the time of night and wanting to watch DVRed episodes of “Community.”

-8.4 hours: Blog post is finished!  And it’s scheduled!  Blogging like a champion!

-0.2 hours: Time to wake up and make sure the post goes out on time.

-0.01 hours: Time for the morning constitutional. Worst timing ever, digestive system.

+0.1 hours: The post is up.  Any new page views?

+0.14 hours: Oh, right, the post should get a link on Twitter.

+0.15 hours to +0.3 hours: This:

+0.65 hours: Dammit, this stats program must be off…

+0.84 hours: Oh, cool, an RT.

+10.3 hours: Person who provided the RT is thanked.

+12.34 hours: Another check on the post’s stats.

+15.47 hours: Repost?  Nahh, do that tomorrow.

+25.59 hours: Repost!

+25.6 hours to +25.65 hours: This (redux):

+52 hours: A conversation leads to the blogger uttering this line with a friend/family member/coworker/bank teller

+86 hours: Blogger realizes that he/she has to put something up for the next day, begins brainstorming…

Images from the blog of Gordon McAlpin, cartoonist behind Multiplex.

“You know, honey, our anniversary is coming up on Sunday.”

A look of panic and terror crept across my father’s face.  He was pretty sure that he would have at least something nice to get for Mom before the anniversary, which he had thought wasn’t till the seventh.  Sunday would be the thirty-first.  Since when was there something that they celebrated on the thirty-first?

Sensing the awkward panic and silence that permeated his non-response, I spoke up.  “I think she means the anniversary of when we moved out here, Dad.”

A small, barely audible sigh of relief escaped his lips.  “Of course.  Do you remember how old you were?”

“Fifteen months, Dad.  We flew out first class on Halloween and the flight attendants were wearing costumes.”

“Twenty-three years.  That’s a long time.”

“Yup.”

Dad had lived in Arizona before that, back when he went to college in Tucson in the ‘50s.  It was mostly desert back then, he told me, and he spent his summers working on ranches that have since become strip malls, supermarkets, and the very model of suburban living.

Back then, wearing a cowboy hat wasn’t a sign of being a tourist.  The desert landscapes that have become the hallmark of every Southwest stereotype were alive and true.  Though tempered by the slow influx of modernization, it was still the Wild West at heart.  There were still parts to explore.

In over two decades of life here, I’ve watched homes, businesses, and communities sprout up from the desert.  I’ve seen dry, dusty landscapes become oases of lush green grass and shimmering blue water.  I’ve witnessed a small community grow to the fifth-largest city in the country.

Tomorrow, it will have been twenty-three years to the day from the big move West that led to my family planting roots here.  Though I’ve travelled across time zones and oceans, though I’ve had the chance to live in bigger cities, this place will always be my home.  Even when the desert is a memory from the urban sprawl, even if I move someplace new, I’ll always carry with me the stories and experiences from a life in the desert.

While some might be dressing up in costumes to revel in the holiday and others might stay in to watch scary movies, we’ll be looking back on everything that’s changed, from our lives and our experiences to the city and its people.

Happy anniversary, Arizona.  And thanks for having us.

Someone recently told me that I should blog with a bit more class.  So here are three original one-act, one-scene scripts that can be thrown together at your local community theater or desolate alleyway.  Apply your own morals to each tale within:

—

ACT 1

SCENE: A moderately busy grocery store check-out line, early evening.  ANDREW stands with his basket containing several foodstuffs and a reusable bag behind several other shoppers.  He is waiting to put his items on the conveyor.

Enter CASHIER.

CASHIER: I’ve opened this lane, anyone in line can come over here if you’d like to check out.

Andrew is enraptured by the natural hand sanitizer display and does not immediately notice.  When he snaps out of his daze, he moves to the Cashier’s line, but CUSTOMER #1 (heavyset, wearing baggy clothing, mustache of medium thickness) has beaten him to it.  Andrew stands behind Customer #1, who turns to face him.

CUSTOMER #1 (Low Baritone): Sir, since you only have a few items, you can go ahead of me.

ANDREW: Thank you, sir.  I appreciate it.

Customer #1 glares.  Andrew notices that he was talking to a woman. Awkward silence ensues.

CASHIER (whispering): Don’t worry, I thought the same thing.

END ACT 1

—

ACT 2

SCENE: The economics section of a used bookstore.  ANDREW is the only person in the aisle.

ANDREW (aside): Boy, it’s a good thing that I’m all alone in this entire section of this large bookstore with its numerous rows, slightly loud music, and diverse array of sections to keep other people away.  Since I seem to have a bit of a gas buildup, I can just let it go without reprimand.

Andrew lets out a test fart.  It is an SBD.

ANDREW (aside): Oh man, that was pretty bad.  I shouldn’t have had extra beans with that burrito.  Still, it’s a good thing that nobody else is around.  Might as well finish the job.

Andrew releases the rest.  It is still an SBD, but with a slight squeak at the middle.

UNKNOWN: *Gasp* Urk…

Andrew turns around to find SMALL CHILD standing directly behind him, gasping for air and scrunching his face.  The child looks as though he may pass out.

ANDREW: Jeez, kid!  What did you eat?!

Andrew exits, Prancing Cera-like.

END ACT 2

—

ACT 3

SCENE: A somewhat busy suburban mall, in the main area with kiosks between the shops.  ANDREW and FRIEND #1 are walking lazily, conversing.

ANDREW: …so that’s when I decided that it probably wasn’t the best idea to have hugged that cactus.

FRIEND #1: Oh, man, you are a goober, dude.

ANDREW (startled): Whoa, look over there!

Andrew points ahead.

ANDREW: That girl is gorgeous!

FRIEND #1: And probably not at all insane.*

Andrew and Friend #1 ogle CRAZYPANTS McINSANEGIRL, who turns to look at them.  Her face changes from one of moderate indifference to blinding fury.  She begins to approach them.

ANDREW: Check it out, she’s on her way over.

FRIEND #1: Yeah, but she doesn’t look too happy to see us…

CRAZYPANTS (shouting with rage): YOU!

FRIEND #1 (whispering): Do you know her?

ANDREW: Do you?

Crazypants walks more briskly, stomping her feet, until she is just a little too close to Andrew.

ANDREW: Um, hi ther–

CRAZYPANTS (interrupting): How dare you show your face here!  After what you did to me?  You bastard!

ANDREW (confused): Excuse me?

CRAZYPANTS: Don’t play dumb!  This has been a long time coming!

Crazypants knees Andrew in the crotch.  Andrew crumples like an old piece of newspaper.

ANDREW (wincing in pain, two octaves higher): Oww…

Crazypants has a self-satisfied smirk.  As Andrew continues to hold his boys and stumble earthwards and as Friend #1 stares in shock and disbelief, the smirk turns into a look of abject horror.

CRAZYPANTS (quickly, embarrassed): Oh my God, I thought you were someone else…

Exit Crazypants, running, stage right.

FRIEND #1: Dang, dude, you think I should try to get her number?

Andrew, now curled up in the fetal position, whimpers.

END ACT 3

* This is called foreshadowing, kids.