Needle, Meet Haystack

Looking for a Thanksgiving post?  Check out this one I did for the Gen-Y Gives Thanks series!

A while back, I picked up the straight-to-DVD movie Grilled, which starred Ray Romano and Kevin James as a couple of traveling meat salesmen.  It was supposed to be a comedy.  It wasn’t very good.

In fact, the movie was so nondescript that I would have forgotten about it entirely, except for one key scene, which has been paraphrased and re-interpreted in my mind several times to the point where I can barely remember it.  Here’s the basic outline of what I think is the scene:

One of the guys is lamenting his inability to close a sale.  The other one tells him that he rambles on too much; he doesn’t give the customer a chance to really consider things or to process everything.  His advice is that when he thinks he has the sale, the guy should shut up and hold his pen out for the customer to take so they can sign for an order.

That’s all I remember.  An otherwise unmemorable scene from a forgettable movie, but one that has far more utility and resonance than it would let on.

Think about the last time you had a conversation where there was a long pause.  It might have started off naturally, but it grew more and more uncomfortable as time went on.  For one of you, anyway.  That’s because most people feel that conversations should not have long pauses.  We’ve been conditioned to think of silence as a lack of something, rather than a part of an interaction.  It feels alien and wrong, and our minds race, trying to figure out why nothing is happening.  But silence is one of the greatest social tools that anyone can have.

Steve Jobs uses prolonged silences to accentuate certain points that he makes, to let the new product he’s showing off speak for itself.  Speech coaches encourage people to tale pauses instead of saying filler words like “um,” as the silence makes it seem like you’re thinking and/or being brilliant.  And yes, silence can create awkwardness, but it also creates power.

Let’s say that you’re having a good conversation, when the person you’re talking to just stops.  The rapport between the two of you is instantly broken, and the jarring shift will make you start thinking – Why did they stop?  What did I do wrong?  What’s going on? – and you will become a bit uncomfortable.  The longer it goes on, the worse you will feel, especially if there are no indicators as to why.  And regardless of who starts things back up (conversationally speaking), you’ve already lost the power in that situation.

If they start back up, they look like the leader; you’re still thinking about why they stopped, and will be giving them conversational control.  If you start things back up, you will think of yourself as a supplicant, uneasy with silence and eager to please the other person.  Since silence is seen as something that comes up when sound is missing, there’s an instinctive need to fill it.  But the who and how make all the difference.

So the next time you need power in a conversation, want to seem smarter, or just want to let things sink in, remember that you don’t need to talk.  Just shut up and hold the pen.

Have you ever been sitting with a group and everyone’s really relaxed, just hanging around and having a good time, when suddenly, someone moves in a bit too close to you?  Everything changes – a dark (metaphorical) cloud descends over the entire scene, you feel awkward and uneasy, and the worst part is that the offender has no idea what they did!  Well, I’ll tell you what they did.

They popped your personal space bubble.

Some people may say that the personal space bubble (or PSB) is actually layered; the first (inner) layer extends about six to eight inches in all directions from your body.  The second (outer) is a radius the length of your outstretched arms plus two inches (does not apply to T-Rexes).  The first layer is always in use, and the second is in use when we’re in an open space.  But your PSB has many more than two layers.  It depends on who the other person is.

The inner layer of the PSB is a good default, but sometimes it can be thicker (or thinner) if you’re with family, friends, co-workers, a significant other, pets, clients, acquaintances and so on.  Age is also a factor; children tend to have PSBs with smaller than average radii, while teenagers have bubbles that can be significantly larger.  The PSB can even retract when you find yourself in a closely huddled crowd.

But Andrew, I don’t have a personal space bubble! You might say.  Actually, we all do.  And here’s how to find someone’s preferred PSB distance.

In a professional setting: After you’ve exchanged greetings with someone, take a step back so you’re about 3 feet away from them.  Wait a few seconds to see if they move forward, otherwise take a step that brings you two feet (or more) away from them.  If they stand still, you’re fine.  They may, however, move back.

In a personal setting: If you want to decrease the PSB distance (especially with someone you just met), you can either follow through with the professional instructions or go for the gusto and give them a hug as a greeting.  Take a short step back and see how they respond.  Please note that this is not always recommended, but is a good way to establish a flirting rapport.

The better we know someone, the more our PSBs diminish when we are around them.  That’s why we tend to engage in more kinesthetic (touching) actions with people we know well.  However, every person has a different distance for their PSB, so make sure to test the waters to prevent an awkward situation.

And if you’re in a bar or club and bump into someone cute, “You popped my personal space bubble!” can work as a great ice-breaker.

Really.

I was out to lunch with my boss yesterday at a cheap Japanese restaurant that we sometimes go to.  We usually order the same thing and sit at the same table in the same spots.  But as I was about to place my drink down, I remembered something and sat where he usually does.  It was liberating.

As we chowed down on our teriyaki chicken, I decided to tell him why I did that.

The thing about sitting at a table is that you can actually gain or lose power depending on where you’re seated.  So, without further ado (but with the help of MS Paint), let’s investigate the power of one’s seating position:

Here’s a diagram of our relative positions at the table (the table is the black square):

The reason that I had switched seats (I’m usually on the other side) is because I realized that the seat that my boss usually had was one of power.  After all, when I sat in my old spot, I could only focus on him; other customers, the window and door to the outside world and really almost anything in the restaurant were behind me.  He had full view of all of these things, and could therefore be distracted.  Meanwhile, the view I had (and the one he had on the most recent visit) was one of just the wall.  The focus would solely be on the other person.

This is something that also comes into play in the layout of an office. On the left, I’ve drawn a picture of my hypothetical office (I work from home after all, but let’s pretend that I have an office) and where I would be seated versus a visitor.  The black thing in the middle would be my desk.

In this instance, there is something behind me – a window.  However, I can control whether the blinds are open or not, giving me even more power over what the other person sees.  Meanwhile, I have a view of most of my own office, and possibly out into the entire workspace.  Once again, the power is given to the person with more visual distractions – the person with less things to see focuses more on the other person, as they do not have much choice in where to divert their attention.

But what happens when there are several people at a larger table, like one in a conference room?  I’ve gotten to be a bit diagram-happy today, so here’s a visual example:

Once again, position and distractions come into play.  As there are fewer people at either end of the table, there are fewer potential divergences of attention when looking at them.

This can also apply to your personal life: the next time you’re on a date, try this out: sit on the side of the table where you have more distractions.  Your date will become more focused on you and what you have to say, which can lead to a better conversation.  Just be careful not to ogle the other patrons or the waitstaff too obviously.

I shared this information with my boss.  ”That’s really interesting,” he said.  ”But you forgot one important thing.”

“What’s that?”

“I’m your boss.  If we’re talking, you should be paying attention to me, no matter where we’re sitting.”

So even though you can probably find this for free online, I might get into trouble for telling you this.  Unlike that time we talked about NLP, this is something that the Body Language pros want you to only be aware of a little bit.  They put it right in front of your face and then distract you with what crossed arms or a thumbs-up really means.  But this is the cornerstone of the entire nonverbal decoding system, and people have paid hundreds of thousands of dollars to find out about it.

And I’m going to tell you about it for free.

It’s called baselining.

So what is baselining?  It boils down to this: watch how someone acts in a normal, relaxed situation.  When they deviate from those actions, something’s up.

That’s it.  Really.

Baselining is similar to how poker players figure out each others’ tell signs, only in reverse.  Instead of seeing what someone does consistently when something acts as an instigator, you’re seeing how they act when there are few (if any) outside influences.

Although it’s suggested that you take 15 minutes to get an accurate baseline read on someone, you can cut a few corners if you have to by making small talk.  Finding innocuous and relaxing things to discuss will show you others’ normal nonverbal behaviors.

So that’s it.  The big secret of body language is that you need to figure out how someone normally acts and what they do differently.  Because there really is no “key” to everyone’s signals, only generalized assumptions.

What’s the real key to body language?  Common sense.  Now don’t tell anyone I told you, especially if they paid for the courses.

I know, I know.  Neuro-Linguistic Programming is a study unto itself, with piles of books written about it, its own set of gurus, and so on.  But since we’re dealing with basics here, it should be all right with the NLP Illuminati if we just talk about the broad strokes.

NLP is really about identifying the emphasis, length and pace of verbal communication to help create or decode signals of true intent.  And once you start to pay attention to these signals, it makes communication much clearer.

You already might know quite a bit about NLP.  Besides detecting tones of sarcasm, happiness, anger, sadness and so on, you might have had a grade school teacher, who, like mine, would say something like this:

“DO not write on the test paper.  Do NOT write on the test paper.  Do not WRITE on the test paper.  Do not write ON the test paper.  Do not write on THE test paper.  Do not write on the TEST paper.  Do not write on the test PAPER.”

If you try saying that sentence out loud, with additional emphasis on the capitalized word in each sentence, you’ll notice a structure and definition shift in what you’re saying.

Another good way to study NLP is to watch movies and TV shows with good actors in them.  The subtleties of their line deliveries can help you to understand some of the underpinnings of NLP, how it works, and how to use it.  I recommend starting with someone who puts in a little extra emphasis in their words.  While some may say that anything from Al Pacino or Robert Deniro over the last 20 years would be a good example, I prefer the master: Christopher Walken.

NLP can be used as a tool for both evil (subtly hinting at things to lead others to do your bidding) and good (understanding the underpinnings of a conversation), but in both cases works as a supplement to body language.  Remember to watch your tone and be aware of others’ conversational variances if you want to understand what they’re REALLY saying.

You may have heard of this body language technique, as it’s one of the most well-known and easiest to use tactics in an effective body language arsenal.  However, it’s also one of the most misused.  Mirroring, if done right, will create a more comfortable environment, fostering a greater trust and deeper connection between two people.  If done incorrectly, however, it can lead to disaster.

Do you remember when you were a kid, and someone would repeat everything you just said?  They would copy you until you yelled, “Quit copying me!” and they would yell back “Quit copying me!” and things would either settle down or someone would wind up being stuck on the monkey bars for the rest of recess.  It was pretty annoying, right?  The copying part, I mean.

That’s exactly how mirroring can go wrong.

The easiest way to mirror (or reflect someone’s movements and vocal tone) is to use it sparingly.  Watch what actions they make when talking passionately, or when showing interest.  Notice what words they put emphasis on, and how their facial features change when talking about different aspects of a topic.  That’s all you need to say back or do in response.  Showing that you are like them while still being your own person is better than appearing to be a parrot.

So remember: pick out the key movements and phrases, and use those.  Because if you use everything, you’ll wind up stuck on the monkey bars for the rest of recess.  And you won’t have a job to show for it.

You might know this, but the way a person’s feet are pointing and positioned is a key indicator on what they think of you.  After all, the feet and legs take longer to receive signals from the brain than any body parts above the torso.  Therefore, the signals are more involuntary and honest than something from the hands or chest.  And while this might be easier to determine lower extremity signals when you’re all in bleachers at a sporting event versus talking with someone seated at a desk, it can still be useful knowledge.

Provided the toes are pointing towards you, you’re in good shape.  Also, if the person is standing and they lean back on their heels so their toes point up, you’re definitely in good shape.  Similarly, when the legs are crossed, you want to make sure that your body is within the new barrier that the leg crossing created.  Otherwise, the other person might be disinterested or uncomfortable.

But how do you look at someone’s feet and legs without making it obvious?

While you could glance a couple of times, or make some comment about shoes to distract them, or drop your pen repeatedly to sneak a peek, the easiest way to figure it out is to watch some of their other body language signals.

When someone has their legs crossed, they shift their weight to whatever direction they have open.  Posture is adjusted when one rocks back on their heels.  And the body shuffles a bit when toes point in a different direction.

If you ever have looked at yourself in the mirror do any of these things and noticed the way that you change in posture, appearance and movement, you can see similar changes in others.  As long as you’re aware of the feet and legs, you can always be a step ahead during an interview!

Let’s do the twist!

Okay, we’re not going to actually do the twist.  You see, today we’re focusing on something that a few different experts have called the “Belly Button Rule,” but since I don’t know if that term is copywritten, I figured I’d save it for the actual post.

Anyway, this rule is simple: you point (twist) your torso (belly button*) towards things and people that you like, and away from things that you don’t like.

But how does this simple rule apply to job stuff?

Good question, hypothetical audience member!  Basically, you want to make sure that your belly button, and the bellybutton(s) of your interviewer(s) are on the same wavelength.  This way, they know that you’re interested in the job, and you know that they’re interested in what you have to say.  HOWEVER:

• If your belly button is pushed forward (not due to the size of your belly, but by projecting it out), that’s a sign of interest in a more…physical manner.  Try to avoid it.
• If your belly button is pushed back (once again due to your posture or position, not belly size), that’s a sign of a lack of sincere interest.  Avoid this one too.

So what you want to do is keep your posture correct, relax your bellybutton so it isn’t over- or under-pronounced, and go about your interview/meeting/work day normally.  And remember, it’s not polite to be a navel-gazer, so don’t stare at someone else’s torso to figure out where it’s pointing.

* For an explanation of why there are no poctires of belly buttons, take a look at the image search results for the term.  Creepy…

Staring.  We’ve all done it, and people have done it to us.  Sometimes it’s because of something embarrassing, sometimes it’s because of attraction, and sometimes it’s just due to boredom.  But when you’re on an interview, you should never stare, even when you’re making eye contact.

Body language experts say that a proper amount of eye contact is 60% of the time.  But how can you judge this?  I usually keep eye contact for a few sentences, then let them drift somewhere nearby, to a picture on the wall, an item on a desk, or what have you.  In other words:

INTERVIEWER: So, why do you think you are right for this position?

INTERVIEWEE (Make eye contact as you begin): Well, from my blah blah blah while blah blah blah with blah blah blah and blah blah blah…

…and in conclusion, blah blah blah is why I would be a great asset to your company in this position.  (Keep eye contact for a second or two after this is over, then look away a bit)

The key here is that if you are looking away while talking, it gives off a signal that even you don’t believe what you’re saying, or at least are not interested in it.  And keeping your eyes on them for a couple of extra seconds is like a good bit of punctuation on your statement.  Please try to avoid the bug-eyes or hard stares though.

When looking at someone’s face, there’s a certain area you should look at.  Do you know where that is?

Not the forehead – that’s like you’re looking down at them.

Not the lips – that’s a signal of sexual interest (unless this is a date or something – then go for it!).

It’s the triangle made from the far corners of the eyebrows to the bottom of the nose.  Pow.  That’s your target zone.  Stick with that area and you won’t seem too pompous or unnecessarily flirty.

So remember: no staring for more than 60% of the time, and stick with the triangle, and you’ll be looking at a job offer in no time!

“Say, Andrew, didn’t you spend some time working for a body language expert?”

Why yes, hypothetical audience member who has spent way too much time stalking me on the Internet, I DID!  And so begins a new feature, “Body Language Basics,” where we will discuss some simple things you can do to kill it at your next interview, networking event, job fair or other employment-(or life-)related event!

So the handshake is simple, right?  Grab, shake, done.  Well, no.  If that was it, I wouldn’t be posting about it.

Basically, you need to be cautious of three things: pressure, angle, and time.  Here’s how to tell:

Pressure: Ever shook hands with someone and it went limp?  Or they gripped onto you and squoze so hard you thought your hand was going to fall off?  Both are bad – the limp one shows weakness, the crusher shows overconfidence and aggressive tendencies.  So what do you do?

If it’s a new boss, be a little weaker, but not too much.  It shows that you’re not gunning for their spot in the company (yet).  If it’s with a new subordinate, a tiny bit of extra pressure is fine.  And if it’s with a hiring manager, a firm grasp (think of the ideal handshake pressure – that’s usually just right) works great.

Angle: I hate when someone puts their hand in from an over-the-top angle like in an old movie where you then kiss the hand or something.  Don’t be that person!  Similarly, the angle on a good connection (thumbs cross over, hands form an almost “x” shape) can be a problem.

If you tilt your hand too much inwards (since you should be using your right hand, unless you don’t have one, I will skip more imagery here) it’s another sign of aggression.  Palm-out and away tilting gestures show that you’re ready to be someone’s bitch.  Unless it’s with someone who you want to show a sign of deference to (and even then, barely tilt outwards), never change the position from a straight-on angle.

Time: Don’t let the handshake go on forever, or cut off too quick!  A quick three pumps or so (one up-down move is a pump) should do it.   And move your hand away from theirs cleanly; don’t just drop your hand or let your fingers linger on theirs.  Both of those are just creepy.

So now that you know how to shake hands the right way, you’ll always be able to make a great first impression!

Provided your hands are washed, that is.