Needle, Meet Haystack

How many of you use Craigslist?  Hold on a second – I’m not talking about the, ‘Oh, I’m looking for an apartment’ Craigslist.  I’m talking about ‘Gimme a h*** j** and I’ll give you a coffee table.’  Like that kind of Craigslist.  THAT’s Crisglist.  -Aziz Ansari

Oh my gosh you guys, Craigslist is the most amazing thing ever.  If you’re talking about the pinnacle of human achievement, the alpha and omega of culture and society as a whole, than you’ve GOTTA be talking about the ol’ CL (as the kids say).

I’ve bought a stereo on Craigslist.  I’ve sold furniture on Craigslist.  And when I’m feeling down, I turn to Craigslist fur the pure, unbridled joy that can only come from the schadenfreude found on the Personals page.

The best thing about the personals page on Craigslist is that unlike the classifieds pages of days gone by that Craigslist itself is modeled after, they permit longer messages.  This allows people to elaborate about themselves more, include pictures, misspell more words, create unintentionally funny messages and, perhaps most tellingly, shows an interesting phenomena in gender relations.

I call it the Assumption of Predisposed Intent.

Men write what they imagine a woman wants to hear, but from the perspective of a man.  Women do the inverse.  And the result is that most everyone sounds silly, creepy or desperate.  Because instead, the men and women should be writing as themselves.  This ties in with the lack of physical contact, which also explains some of the problems that can arise in online dating profiles.  But this is really a problem with the male and female brains.

For years, we’ve heard the cliches that all seem to boil down to the conceit that “men are stupid and women are crazy,” but that’s really overstating it on both sides.  They just have different opinions about what love and a relationship should be.  So what should happen is that the men should think like women, and the women should think like men.  So the guys need to change their writing to show more personality and less sex talk (preferably without shots of their junk), while the women need to be a bit more succinct in their word choice (and not write twenty paragraph essays on the guy they want to be with).  We need to re-wire our own brains in order to really connect with others on their own levels.  But this problem goes beyond singles posting on CL.

Whether it’s a job application, a memo, a presentation or even a conversation with a new friend, people don’t give enough consideration to their audience.  Sometimes, we say things that make others uncomfortable without knowing it, or are oblivious to nonverbal cues from others that could help us understand them better.  Whenever we talk or write to others, we have a tendency to choose our words and craft our sentences in a way that is pleasing to ourselves, not the audience.

So take the time to consider who you’ll be talking to.  Focus on them.  And then, if you’re really feeling up to it, send that post to “Missed Connections” so we can all see it.  Or sell your couch.  You know, whichever one you’re on the site for in the first place.

During my Junior year of college, I spent a semester in London.  And while I was there, I discovered something wonderful.  The American accent (non-regional diction, in my case) can be sexy.

Just like hearing a British accent on this side of the pond, there’s something foreign and exotic about hearing an American talk if you’re English.  We have different names for clothes.  We call the “pavement” the “sidewalk.”  And this was a turn-on to the British ladies who were quite tired enough of guys who sounded prim and proper and James Bond-like, thank you very much.

So what did I do with this new-found knowledge?

I exploited it.  Who wouldn’t?  But more on that in a minute.

The interesting thing about being a foreigner is that you are automatically interesting.  Your looks don’t really matter.  Your personality itself doesn’t really matter.  All that matters is that you’re from somewhere else.  And the accent is a key component.

We are often deceived by the possibility of something new or alien to us.  But the longer it’s around, the more we get used to it.  Barely more than a decade ago, sushi was considered a “fringe” food, eaten only by the Japanese and weirdos who liked their fish – yuck! – uncooked.  But now, it’s everywhere.  And while you might not be able to get a California or Philadelphia roll on the streets of Tokyo, the mystique of the food is gone.

So the key to being new and exciting is not to linger.  Now, back to Past Me:

The first thing that I would do would be ask for the girl to get me a drink.  I discovered early on that whoever pays for the other person is giving up power – if a man buys a woman a drink, she is under no obligation to talk with him for longer than it takes to get the drink.  So she winds up with a free beverage, while he is out for a few bucks.  The opportunity cost of the action doesn’t quite level off.  And it’s always nice to get a free drink.

The next thing that I would do would be talk to the girl (or girls) by asking them open-ended questions about themselves (couldn’t be answered with a simple yes or no).  This kept me from displaying the phenomenon known as Foreign Guy Who Doesn’t Shut Up, and made the experience seem more personal to them.  I would hardly talk at all – I would be an active listener, and would wind up getting compliments on my superb conversation abilities!

During my entire time in London, I can count on two hands the number of times I paid for my own drink.

When you’re new to a group, be it a company, team or even an entire city, people will be interested in you because you’re new.  If you’re able to manage your image well and make sure not to show all your cards right away, you can leverage your interesting features into more than just a story you tell at the bar.

Apparently, the Internet wants me to become more social.

Facebook has, for the past few months, been pointing out people who I haven’t written on the wall of, messaged, chatted with and so on.  ”Share news,” the website suggests.  ”Send them a message!”

And in some cases, Facebook is replacing ads with friend suggestions.  ”You both are fans of marmalade!”  it might say.  ”Add him as a friend!”

Really, Facebook, I’m okay.

I’ve discussed before my aversion to adding people for the sake of having a larger number of friends, but this is getting ridiculous.  There’s no utility in connecting with people who I don’t remember, or may never have met – it just seems creepy and wrong.  Also, it violates the new social contract.

I’ve always been under the assumption that social networking sites were created to enhance pre-existing friendships and interactions.  It’s easy to send people an invitation to a party you’re throwing, show them vacation pictures, tell them happy birthday or strike up a short conversation.  And if you do use the sites to contact strangers, then it might be similar to the case of using LinkedIn to find out more information about a recruiter or hiring manager to get a leg up over the competition.

But through a combination of the site’s relentless urging to connect with people who are more on my social periphery (ie: some days, I wonder, “what’s going on with my Sophomore year lab partner?” and can easily find out, rather than sit and continue wondering) and recent comments by Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg about privacy, I’m starting to wonder what the site is trying to do.

I was (and am) a big fan of the way that Facebook constructed its business model – build slowly and gradually increase its audience by adding universities and colleges, whose members (students) are well-versed in the Internet and word-of-mouth communications, then expand geographically so more features can be added along the way, and markets can be more easily managed as the company grows.  It was nice that the site was the cool, underground and almost secret thing before it was unleashed upon the masses.

But now, the site’s increasingly more confusing privacy settings make it trickier to manage for those who don’t want the whole world seeing their account.  Several of my friends have quit the site because they found it easier than blocking off search engines from finding them.

So the larger problem becomes, how does a website known for innovation continue to innovate when it has grown so large?  And it seems that Facebook’s answer is for people to first grow out their friends lists past the point of knowing someone in the real world and to the point of six degrees of separation connectivity.  While this strategy may pay off on sites like LinkedIn, where you want more professional contacts, so a 2nd or 3rd degree connection is helpful, it fails for a site like Facebook, where you are developing personal contacts.

The site itself has become a global powerhouse and has forever changed the way that we interact online.  But if Facebook stops treating its members like people and more like customers, it will find itself losing relevancy, and more importantly, profits.

So, no, Facebook, I don’t want to reconnect.  I don’t want to connect to someone who I don’t know.  But I do want to use the power of a social network to help me communicate with other people.

Social networking has changed modern society forever, for both good and bad.  While in the early days of the web, users hid behind the anonymity of a screen name in chat rooms, we now expose ourselves for all to see in our profiles, tweets and blogs.  As we move more and more into the interconnected world of the Interwebs, the rules of polite social contact have changed in the professional and personal worlds.  Here are some of the rules that will govern this brave new world:

• You are allowed to add someone to your network if you have had any form of communication with them, be it as a commenter on a blog, clan member in an MMO, message board buddy, or even in person.  You can add someone if you don’t know them, but you must initiate contact before doing so, introducing yourself and explain why you want to connect with them.  ”Lol ur hott” is not acceptable if you are over the age of 15.
• You cannot send a person more than two messages if they have not responded to you.  This includes messages of any type, from texts to emails to private messages and IMs.  After that, you will have to wait for a response, and if none is given, you cannot get angry with them.  This rule does not apply to emergency phone calls.
• If you have not had any sort of contact with another person for more than six weeks, you must initiate contact through either a generic greeting or a salutation pertaining to a recent event (birthday, holiday, etc.).
• You are under no obligation to attend events, join pages or add groups recommended to you by someone with whom you have not been in the physical presence of for over six months.
• If  invited to an event with an RSVP through the evite and are not excluded from attending based on the previous rule, respond in the affirmative or negative within three days of finding the message.  If you are unsure of whether you can attend, tell the person who invited you why.  This is the only way not answering or selecting “maybe” is permissible.
• If you are online friends with someone but have never met them in person, you must have had conversations over the course of sixty days adding up to a total of four non-consecutive hours.  Texting/IM conversations count for two-thirds of their overall time (due to time spent typing), while phone/voice chat/video chat conversations count for their full duration.  This rule does not apply for business-only relationships (ie: meetings, interviews, sales calls).
• You can start arguments with friends and family online, but as the content is put up on a public forum, others may use the materials in emails or on websites without legal repercussions.
• Similarly, any content you have chosen to put online may be used by your employer (or potential employer) as grounds for termination (or not hiring you).
• If you choose to add more people simply to increase your number of friends, contacts, followers, buddies or whatever the term used is, you are not allowed to send angry messages if they decide to unfriend you or not accept your friend request.
• If you make several lists/groups of people to sort out the statuses/tweets of those you want to read and those you don’t, it is not polite to tell people which group they are in.
• Just because you unfriend someone online doesn’t mean that you are no longer allowed to associate with them.  If they become upset with you over this, determine what steps you need to take to rebuild the burned bridge.
• You are limited to posting seven non-sequitur links to videos, pictures, articles and so on per week.  Any more than that and it just gets annoying.  ”Posting” in this case also refers to emailing or telling people to come to your workspace to see something.
• If any relatives closer to you than a third cousin join a social network and request to add you, you must accept their request (assuming that you have a good relationship with them).  Especially if it’s your parents.
• If someone has not accepted your friend/event/application/group request twice, you can no longer send them a request for that particular thing.
• Unless they bring it up, you cannot bring up any pictures, comments or posts that someone has made online when you are having an in-person discussion.  The rule is not applicable in cases of personal loss, the end of a relationship, or career news (positive or negative).
• If you have “Facebook stalked” someone and then meet them in person, you must pretend that you have never seen or heard of them before.
• People may mock you (online or in person) for any status updates or tweets that have to do with any non-exemplary activity that you make a note of (ie: waking up, going to the bathroom, eating lunch, going to sleep), unless there is something special about that activity (ie: waking up with $100 in your pocket, going to the bathroom in a celebrity’s house, eating lunch at a snazzy restaurant, going to sleep in a jail cell).

Some of these rules have been touched on in previous posts, seen here and here.  Are there some rules that should be in the new social contract that you don’t see on the list?  Mention ‘em in the comments!

Sometimes, even the all-powerful job seeking tool of networking can lead to dead ends.

While I was still in my Senior year of college, I had attended a number of networking events for advertising professionals, and made numerous connections in different cities.  When I moved to one of those cities, I called up to one of the connections who I had stayed in contact with, asking for her help in securing an interview with her company.  ”Good luck,” she said.  And then she hung up.

I was confused – why would someone who was representing their company at a networking event, who was there for the very purpose of finding people to work for them, not want to help me get an interview?  We had kept in contact and been friendly with each other, so it wasn’t a case of personal dislike.  So why would someone not want to help?

One of the things that we fail to take into account when asking someone to help us get a job at their company is the feelings that they may have regarding the consequences of this action.  Although they may want to help you, it might seem that the opportunity cost of doing so does not outweigh the threat to their own job.  After all, there are two possible outcomes for the recommendation:

1. You don’t get the job
2. You get the job

In the case of #1, there is a fear that your not getting the job can reflect badly on the person who recommended you.  Their employer might question their judgment and the people they associate with.  The last thing you would want to hear from your boss is, “Why did you waste my time with that person?”

But if you get the job (#2), it could be much worse.  Besides the fear that your success could overshadow your contact’s, there is also the danger of your performance reflecting back on them at any time.  If you turn out to be a poor worker, are caught stealing from the company, become lax in fulfilling your corporate obligations or provide any cause to be fired, the blame could always shift to them, since they referred you to the company in the first place, and how dare they not inform the company that you would turn out like this!

Altruism and support for others can waver, especially when one is questioning their own job security.

However, this fear is often unjustified; if anything, companies reward their employees for helping them to find good candidates quickly, saving both time and the cost of posting an open position on many websites, sorting through applications and so on.  If such a situation arises where a connection is unable to follow through on helping you get a job at their company, ask if it’s all right if you name-drop them during a communication to the organization, which mitigates their involvement but still give you a leg up over the competition.

When it comes to networking, your contacts might not always deliver.  But don’t look at it as a reflection on you – there’s always a way to work around it.

A while back, I was reading an article about the Radical Honesty movement, something that has a lot of potential to be a constructive development in the workplace.  Unfortunately, its potential is equally destructive.

Radical Honesty, as the article puts it, is the complete abdication of lying and secrets:

Everybody would be happier if we just stopped lying. Tell the truth, all the time. This would be radical enough — a world without fibs — but…we should toss out the filters between our brains and our mouths. If you think it, say it.

The nice thing about Radical Honesty is that it would make work more efficient and effective.  People would speak plainly and directly, getting what they need quicker.  The dance of office politics would be mitigated by open communication, which could lead to more merit-based advancement within organizations.

The downside, of course, is that everyone would be a jerk.

If the filter between the brain and mouth is lifted, politeness goes out the window.  This would lead to greater conflicts (though admittedly, the possibility of conflict resolution in a timely manner is significantly higher) and more interpersonal problems between workers, as the thin veneer of civility is ripped away.  Conversations might go like this:

Boss: Frank, where’s the report you were supposed to have on my desk two hours ago?

Frank: Well, boss, I blew it off because I don’t like being given busy work so instead I played Farmville on Facebook and chatted with my friends on Gmail.

Boss: I don’t like you.

If all of this seems a bit familiar, it might be because the concept was explored pretty well in the first third of the recent movie, The Invention of Lying.  But might a bit of Radical Honesty be a good thing?

The problem with verbal communication is that the words spoken to others mean very little.  We rely on tone and body language far more than what is actually spoken to decode what others really mean.  But if language is delivered plainly and directly, with no hidden meaning, the other signals become complimentary and inconsequential.  This means that any method we use to communicate with others, be it in person, over the phone or in text, is just as valid as the others and eliminates some of the weaknesses in non-physical communications.

Even though Radical Honesty would create a culture of jackassery, using some if its principles to create more clear and concise communications with others can help you to become more efficient and effective in the workplace.

My favorite question to ask people who I have just met, or haven’t known for long, and one that really helps in understanding a person’s motivations and personality, is one of the simplest.

What was the first thing you wanted to be when you grew up?

If you’re asking a woman, make sure to toss in the corollary, “And don’t say ‘princess.’  Everyone says ‘princess.’”  I’m not trying to be sexist here, but after having asked this question for years on end, I have noticed that most women will say ‘princess’ at the first pass.

When you ask someone this question, you find out a lot about where they started.  A police officer or firefighter was concerned about public safety.  A doctor or nurse wanted to help individuals and families.  A construction worker wanted to create and help build something with others.  An astronaut wants to explore and find new things to share with others.  Whatever it is, the position has something to do with their earliest impulses towards others and some core concepts about society and others.

A good follow-up to the question is, “What do you do now?”

Besides the implied disconnect between original intentions and current execution (in a statistic I just made up, around 3% of people get the job they first wanted), you can track the progression and development of your conversation partner’s career path.  Although few people end up with the job that they first wanted, many of them still have a tangential relationship between the two.  The core values or underlining reason behind the first job that they ever wanted can still be found in their current vocation.

It’s also a good question to ask yourself.  Why did you want that first job?  What led you to your current field?  Why do you have (or are you searching for) that career?  Have you moved away from your original plans, and if so, why?  What changed?

Answering these questions can help you to determine your real motivations for your present employment situation, and might give you some insight on where you want your career to go next.

And if you’re wondering, I wanted to be a T-Rex when I grew up.

If you’ve ever filled out a profile online for a job site, you may have noticed that it has a layout that seems familiar.  Maybe it’s because the website promises to match you with a compatible job.  Or because it asks you about your hobbies, ideal job, employment history and so on.  Maybe it’s because you get asked for a picture and a tag line to go along with your user name.  Whatever it is, eventually we all come to realize that job seeker profile sites are repurposed dating sites.

There has already been a post on this blog about the dating-employment connection, so this one will focus more on the common mistakes that users make on both job and dating profile sites.

The first mistake that most people make comes with creating silly user names.  If you’re going to go with something other than a permutation of your name, at least pick something that’s related to your career or interests.  And try to avoid using numbers; it makes you seem more original and/or professional.  So HotAndSexy567 would not be a good choice for either.

But bad writing can do much more harm than using a silly handle on the site.  When you’re writing a brief bio of yourself, starting off with things like “I usually never do this…” or “Friends and co-workers would say I’m…” or using sentence fragments (“Hard worker.  Likes a challenge.”) don’t help you stand out.  Would you go up to a potential mate or employer and say, “Hi.  If you asked my friends about me, they would say I’m polite, dedicated and punctual”?  Write your bio like you were telling someone about yourself in a conversation.  And if you do go up to people and say that, you might want to rethink your dating and employment strategy.

You should also avoid using the applications and widgets on the site that don’t help you reach your goal.  Sure, you can add your Twitter feed, set mobile connectivity, add in background themes and so on, but what’s the point?  Unless any of these features get you any closer to finding a significant other or gainful employment, you’re just postponing what you’re there to do in the first place.  Focus on your goal and only use the add-ons that will actually help you.

Lastly, you should make sure that you’re going after people and professions for whom (or which) you would be a good fit.  If you don’t have the education or experience to match the requirements for a job, you probably won’t get it even though you think the company looks nice and there’s a nice salary involved.  Similarly, if your interests, hobbies, relationship goals and beliefs are the polar opposites of someone else’s, there’s no reason for you to pursue them on the dating site, even if you think they look cute.  In both job and relationship websites, you have the chance to find something or someone who matches your specific criteria – you don’t need to settle or waste your time with vocations (or people) that don’t really interest you.

When it comes to romance and employment, there are a lot of similarities.  So if you don’t know whether to apply for the job, think about what you would do in your dating life.  And if you don’t know whether to ask someone out, think about what you would do in your work life.  You’d be surprised how much this can help you achieve personal and professional success.

So let’s say you’re at a get-together, like a networking event, a party, a potluck and so on.  Suddenly, an acquaintance slides up to you and says, “Hi, have you met So-And-So?”  You haven’t met, so you start chatting.  The small talk is proceeding well enough until So-And-So drops the big one.  The dreaded, generic, incredibly open-ended “So, what do you do?”

What do you do when someone asks you, “What do you do?”

The problem with this question is that people often ask this question as a generic, getting to know you type of inquiry, wanting to feel comfortable with another person on at least the first level of communication.  Instead, the answer usually falls into one of several uncomfortable categories:

• Poor attempts at humor. “I’m a disposable lighter repairman,” they might say.  Or “I put the pimentos in green olives.”  Unless you actually do these jobs, it’s best to stay away from doing this.
• The job put-down. Sure, this might be an attempt at humor, but by putting down the job (ie: “I pollute the Internet because I make online ad campaigns,” or “Oh, it’s really boring…”), there comes an almost anticipated amount of pity and negativity that can sour the interaction.
• Complaining. We’ve all had a bad day at work, and sometimes, the question can lead to a long monologue about the injustices of the workplace, stupid bosses and so on.  The long-winded complaint is only effective in that it will make your new acquaintance want to move away from you very quickly.
• The technical explanation. Another way to get your audience scrambling for the doors is to offer the minute details of your job.  Unless they’ve expressed interest in your field, you don’t need to fill the conversation with talk of TPS reports.

There is, however, one response that works well.  And that’s the brief and effective response. If you can give a short (re: less than three sentences) description of your work, possibly the company you work for, and why you do it, you’ll be answering the question effectively and keeping the conversation moving well.  For example:

Sue: So, what do you do, Bob?

Bob: Well, Sue, I’m a creative director for Acme Advertising.  I get to make a lot of fun commercials for some really cool companies.  What do you do, Sue?

Yes, it might seem a bit plain and trite, but by being direct and succinct with your response, you let people know what you do without dancing around the issue and invite them to ask further questions.  Rather than guessing how someone might respond to your humor or using them as a free therapist to complain to, you will be setting the foundation for future conversations.

So, what do you do?

Alton Brown, the host of the only watchable show on the Food Network these days besides Iron Chef, was interviewed by the Onion AV Club, where he shared this piece of wisdom:

We live in a constantly fracturing culture. You know, when I was a kid, there were three networks, and people had more in common on the streets. Let’s put it this way: We had more in common than not in common. Well, one of the things about the Internet and the culture that’s come out of the Internet is that it’s made people cluster into micro-communities. We’ve become hive-minded. We’ll gather with four people who have something obscure in common with us, like “I macramé squirrels!” or something that’s far less appealing than that. We’ve lost a lot of our commonality.

The fracturing that Brown is talking about is a roadblock that many people encounter while trying to build rapport with others.  As personal interests and hobbies get more and more specific, the room for common ground decreases.

When trying to build new interpersonal relationships, it is critical to find some common ground.  But with more choices on leisure activities, entertainment and so on, it’s become increasingly difficult for people to really connect.

Last week, an acquaintance asked me if I had seen “the game.”  I assumed he was referring to football, one of the last shared cultural experiences this side of American Idol, so I began sharing my excitement over Brett Favre’s crushing defeat of his old team.  It turns out my acquaintance was referring to an Australian rugby game.

So in situations where not even some of the most common shared entertainments are safe, how do you find common ground?

You make it.

Besides creating opportunities for shared experiences, you may have to find common ground based on the hobbies and interests of others.  If you show an interest in wanting to learn about things that people are passionate about, they usually will help to teach you about them.  Not only will you gain deeper interpersonal relationships with others by sharing interests with them, but you may find new things to be passionate about yourself.

In a fracturing culture, there is no way to cover all the cracks.  But you can still find a way to connect with others on more levels than just superficial ones.